getting over myself

have faith and pursue the unknown end.

{oliver wendell holmes}

a bronze card with these words in white lettering is taped to my wall, directly parallel and across from my bed. it's one of the last things i see before going to sleep and one of the first things i see when i wake up. above it are two frames with photos of him and me in them. the sentiments on and in this card are the foundations for those two photographs.

to be happy --- to choose to be happy --- and not to twist and distort everything. why should it be so difficult? i don't know, but it is. i play things out to the bitter end in a matter of minutes, in my head. things don't always have to go the way i think they do. they just always have. this is how i've learned. my distorted thinking has been reinforced because for some reason i've always been attracted to complete imbeciles.

(i guess that's unfair --- i've always been attracted to males who aren't mature enough for someone with my disposition.)

and now it seems i've found one who is challenging my entire history, the whole set of expectations i've built and polished and put behind glass. what am i to do?

i think i've shattered the glass case. now to deconstruct the ornate, elaborate structure.
it's not easy. but i want it.

i want love and heaven forbid i would let myself be the only obstacle to receiving it.