{ 10 / 19 / 17 }

i was just thinking in my head, this week is past the point of reclamation.

//

two hours later, i can confirm that.

//

i'd rather be treated consistently like shit than be treated like a friend to my face and cut down behind my back. so if you're going to come for me, come for me.

{ 10 / 18 / 17 }

i came here four hours ago to write some really insightful shit about other shit i'm learning. but if it's not obvious i don't know, ONE sentence in, i am so far past the point of being insightful or eloquent or being able to string three thoughts together without swearing (in my head, of course...always only ever in my head). but i would like to say for the record (and let's be honest, WHOSE RECORD, HONEY? REALLY, WHOSE?) that i'm realizing with increasing certainty how important autonomy and emotional independence are to me in others. and you can totally accuse me of being selfish in this regard if you want to, because i guess at its core, it is. i am more comfortable in relationships (platonic, romantic, familial, or otherwise) where the other person/parties are capable of self-soothing without considerable support efforts from me. and it goes beyond someone being able to self-soothe...i want to be surrounded by people who are SECURE. in themselves, and in our relationship, without a constant need for reassurance and repetition. (now this is not to say i'm one of those people who thinks i should be able to say i love you 0.7x/year and have that be enough...there are certainly sentiments that bear repeating, people, i'm not a TOTAL robot.) and to clap back at my inner critic who is calling me a stingy biatch: at this age, shouldn't that be the case anyway?? shouldn't we all be just a liiiiittle self-sufficient? shouldn't we be able to figure out how we're feeling and maybe even what we need to do to constructively manage those feelings? without, or perhaps before, we turn to external things to help us do this?

at this point i'm not even reflecting, i'm just ranting.
but i mean all of it. so.

{ 10 / 11 / 17 }

i've had a pile of clean laundry on my floor for way too long. it's begun to expand and i've also begun to trip on it, so last night i decided that instead of being held captive by this inanimate (yet somehow growing) mass of fabric, i was certainly a grown-ass woman completely capable of picking up after herself and preserving a soothing space and putting her effing t-shirts away.

it had been an interesting day; full of frustration and lack of productivity at work, faced with harsh realities and poor communication. staring down the barrel of a 12-hour workday coming up, i decided to get two new books at the library, make a dinner that had plenty of vegetables, do yoga, listen to cello sonatas, and finally, reclaim my bedroom floor.

i made it through the first three layers of clothes (i told you, it was a mess). and then i saw it.

the small pile, three shirts.
cumulus blue, feathers, soft grey.
given by her best friend to me,
fluttering shreds of ordinary objects
that felt anything but ordinary.

i picked up the grey one, soft with wear. the smell, the presence of her, washed over me. and all of a sudden i couldn't breathe.

every place i go reminds me of you

i don't want to remind me of you

i clutched the fabric to my chest with both hands, holding it so tightly my arms shook. hot tears streamed down my face. where are you where are you where are you, i asked. how are you not here.  how are you not here anymore. it seemed so fucking stupid that this shirt could be here, but she wasn't. my eyes wandered to the raven cup candace had also passed on to me, now holding some of her makeup. i thought of the palette standing up in my makeup tray, the one her hands held, the one her eyes wore. i pulled on the necklace hanging against my chest, pulled on it until the clasp bit into the back of my neck.

all these things, derivatives of her, held concretely in my hands,
so full of meaning and so meaningless at the same time.

i don't know how to honor her best,
or honor the loss others are experiencing.
sometimes the best i can do is:
kneeling on the clean floor of a dark room
crying silently, gasping for air
asking the question, over and over
asking my questions into the shimmering silence.

{ 10 / 10 / 17 }

signal

wave across the water for me

let me know

that you'll be waiting ever for me

oh, i've been travelling

waiting for a moment of peace

these stormy weathers

got me thinking of how i want it to be

signal

light a thousand fires on me

give me no doubt

that i'm the one that never has to leave

oh, i've been divided

time and time again you keep the peace

give me shelter

let me be the (wo)man i wanted to be

//

everyone is in the back room taking their lunch and i'm sitting at my desk with a 140-calorie bag of popcorn and saint-saens in my headphones. somehow, even more things have to change.

//

at this stage, that seems like such an unlikely outcome.
but at this stage, any outcome would be as unlikely as the next.
what do you do when you really have no way of predicting an outcome?
you have no choice but to keep walking forward.
to watch the infrastructure of the future come together all around you.

i can't say i like it all that much, but the alternative is to stop moving until something seems certain...and i feel like the only certainty in life is that nothing is certain. ever.

i've had my time not to move.
and i don't want that anymore.

//

feeling many things in this season:
nothing is sure
nothing is forever
i can and should make choices that are healthy for me
^ people may not like how they are affected when i do so
   ^ that is not my problem
it is okay not to know
it is okay to let go
it is okay to say no
it is okay to let my true self show
i am stronger and deeper than anyone really knows
i can change and evolve; i don't have to stay the same
i might not be interesting enough for some people but that doesn't make me uninteresting
i might not be beautiful enough for some people but that doesn't make me ugly
i might be too interesting for some people but that doesn't mean i'm too much
i might be too much for some people but that doesn't make them bad people







//

embracing the new,
the fresh start,
the leaving what was,
the lack of knowing,
the exploration, the putting to rest, the discovery.

{ 10 / 5 / 17 }

last night i went to bed with (mostly unfounded) anxiety about a very specific situation. i went to bed early with the single goal of turning my body off, hoping my mind would follow.

and in the quiet dark
it was louder and brighter
than i could bear

//

i carried this anxiety into my sleep and into my dreams. i had a vivid dream that what i feared became a reality. typically in my dreams something fantastical enough happens that i become aware that i'm dreaming - or i can wake up and know that any lingering impressions are from what i was dreaming. but at 4:04am this morning, i couldn't make those distinctions.

what it all came down to was me vs. an imaginary person i could never beat. at anything. i would never be more talented, desirable, interesting, intelligent, or beautiful than this person. and i was being directly pitted against this person in the most one-sided comparison ever made. it was clear i'd never be chosen, i'd never win, there was no possible way, and i knew it. and i conceded demurely because it was the last shred of dignity i had to wrap around my insufficient, insignificant self.

//

opening myself to certain things in this season
means opening myself to being evaluated and compared
against other things: ideals, other peoples' pasts, other people.
it also means i'm constantly analyzing myself.
sometimes i feel like the person i really can't win against
is the person i think i should be