a better day

you never knew what you were pining for, she now knew,

until you had it: someone to find you incredible. not what

you did, but yourself as a fact --- you, on a bed, in a room.

{from the folded world :: amity gaige}

i woke up and it was cool enough to rest beneath my sheets without feeling like i was suffocating. i couldn't quite fall back asleep before the alarm, but the respite from the heat dissolved the frustration this normally would have caused. a good day, and i tossed and turned like a minnow, my sides glinting in the sun.


the morning is breezy and cool, and a veil lifts from my soul.

_______________



if i hadn't called, would you have called me? the question caught in my throat. more self control than i've ever exerted kept me from spitting it out, accusing him of forgetting me. my voice felt tight, asking every question but the one i wanted to, a slim violin's bow against strings that played sharp and unforgiving. i wanted vindication, i wanted to prove that he didn't care, that i wanted this more. in the end it wasn't self control, but fear that held me back. i was afraid to hear the answer i'd already anticipated in my head: i don't want you.

fear saved me this time. i'll remember that.

_______________

a bacon, cheddar, and avocado whole wheat wrap with egg is my reward today. for what, i'm not sure, i haven't done anything worthwhile yet. i got out of bed, i was ready and out the door in 45 minutes, i gave up on my hair, i put on my favorite shirt, i'm wearing sequined sandals. i'm thinking ahead, thinking behind, focusing on the moment. only 30% of my faculties are devoted to the present. the rest is washing over the shores of the past, shifting the sands of the future.

it is okay, he loves me, i love him. the one thing i would not do was say it first, because i am sure and i don't know if he is. i need him to show me he is sure. and i almost thought i'd have to sleep without it, go to bed with doubt instead, but at the last moment, the quiet one before goodbye, he said, i love you.

the relief made itself real in my tears. i'd fretted and cried all day, but this was different. i welcomed the bittersweet tide of realizing i'd worried without cause.

_______________


the wind in my car made me squint this morning, but i did not put the windows up. this would be my last taste of freedom for the next 8 hours, and i made the most of it.

_______________



i will make the most of this, with you. my vulnerable desire that is rarely concealed and your more subtle yearning that is so gentle in its force i often miss it altogether. i will try not to resent your subtlety and i will try not to tame my flailings, because that is you, and this is me, and we are what we are and we've made it this far.

i will make the most of this
with you.