back in some pieces

and that's not the beautiful you that i know, he said.

i looked out the window and cried.

__________

finally you said it. i didn't even know what "it" was until you said it, and i couldn't repeat it now if you asked, but you did it, you said it, you fixed it. it's not that you glossed over the jagged edge or glued something soft to my brokenness, smothering what i am and who i have become in "it's okay" and oblivion. you fixed it by looking at me, the broken me, and saying, i love you. and that's different from i love you anyway because that implies that there's something wrong, but that somehow by the power of your will you're going to sentence yourself to loving me anyway.

but all you said was i love you and nothing more, and anything else would have felt like so much less.

__________

love is a choice, you said.

and i couldn't say anything, because i knew what you meant.

and i realized you choose to love me,

and it was too much to bear.

__________

what was your experience? you asked.
it was horrible, i answered.
there wasn't anything else to say.

__________

where i'm at with The Difference, you said, is that yes, it's a difference, and it's persistent. but i'm still willing to grow and change, and i won't presume, but i think you are too. that's one of the things about you that's attractive.

one day you're going to find someone, i squeezed out. one day you're going to find someone where you don't have to deal with all this crap. and then you're going to wonder how you ever could have thought i was the best there was.

i don't see that happening, you said. no one is perfect.

yeah, i squeaked. but there might be someone more perfect for you.

well you're the person i want to be with right now, you said. love is a choice. and the things we've shared together outweigh The Difference.

i was silent.

how do you feel about The Difference? you pressed.
i could barely speak. it's frustrating. but it's still worth it.



agreement at last.

__________

watching the lines on the highway go by, i scared the shit out of myself thinking about things some people would say i shouldn't let myself think about. well i've never been one to avoid thinking the darkest thought.

the light of his voice and his true-ness pierced my thoughts and wouldn't go away. he dragged me out of that dark, dark room and called my name until i answered. he wouldn't let me put my hands over my ears. and because of this i didn't walk away before i could get hurt. i chose to stay because his gaze on me was so steady, it kept me. it convinced me. it said to me that if i brought this all down i'd only have myself to blame. and that kind of misery is a darkness that can't be stumbled through.

here i am with you

despite myself

nothing short of

a miracle