c'est comme ca

yesterday it dawned on me that j'ai des bonnes amies --- i have great girl friends. quelle surprise! this is a slightly earth-shattering realisation because it's never been easy for me to make or keep truly good girl friends. i believe this is partly due to the fact that i don't appreciate or participate in many of the Girl Games that are played --- Compliment Fishing, Faux Complimenting, Emotional Manipulation, Secretly One-Upping, or Sponging, just to name a few. in addition, i believe my difficulty in this matter is due to the fact that girl relationships can be so complicated. i of all people embrace complexity (sometimes in fatal amounts), but when it comes to my deepest and closest friendships, i simply cannot and will not tolerate intricate games of manipulation.

for the longest time, i'd withstand abuse because i thought that being a good friend = being friends with someone no matter how she treated you. i'm still in the process of learning that being a true friend = being a good friend to oneself. if i take bad treatment from a "friend" because i'm afraid that if i refuse to take it, she'll treat me even worse, there is no friendship there. none whatsoever.

it seems simple, but it took a terrifyingly terrible experience for me to finally jolt awake: i don't need to suffer at the hands of my girl friends to prove that i'm worthy of their twisted love. i don't need to pour myself into those who require me to pour a certain way, and if i don't pour to their indecipherably determined satisfaction, i am worthless. why treat other human beings as such trash? rather, i need to surround myself with women who cultivate my soul and encourage me to flourish. those who will plant their love and their ideas in my life. those who will affirm what i am and spur me on to become what i am meant to be.

this week has been and will be a difficult one for me. this morning i realised that over the past 48 hours, i've had encounters with a handful of the most potently true women i could hope to know.

jillian susan
k. smith
julie a.
charity
my mother
candace

quelle chance --- how lucky and blessed i feel. your thoughts and prayers are like tethers secured in the beaks of birds who are gracefully beating their wings and flying up, up, up ---

in this photo is a bucket of flowers i received this year. you are all to me like these bright and faithful blooms --- the first thing i see when i wake up and the last hues behind my eyelids when i finally sleep. through the petals you may be able to see a card taped to the wall; it reads,

have faith
and pursue the unknown end.
{oliver wendell holmes}

and so,
with your help,
i shall.