without

i am what i cannot be,
i am with myself only,
wishing to be alone but
not (never) lonely.

where is it? where is the meaning in this?
why do i question, why can't i simply bring
the sacrifice? bind it, place it on the altar
with hope as kindling, raise the knife, give
it up? not just give it up, be willing to give
it up?

i am unwilling to feel this pain, this without.
it is good for me, it builds character, it gives
a thirst for the inexplicable divine, for the day
of no more tears, for the love that will keep
me. but why? why do i have to be without
first, for so long, and in such a devastating way?

these are all the question i cannot answer,
my friends cannot, no one can comfort me.
no one but the One who understands but is
silent now, waiting for my next step, waiting
to see if i will grasp His hand, listening to me,
loving me, keeping me,
waiting.

i will go to Him. i will wait for Him.
i will keep Him because He kept me
first. i will love Him because He loved
first. and last. it begins and ends with
He who holds all things together, who
is the beginning and the end, who is
good, who knows, who is the firstborn
of all creation, who lives, who is
supreme over all,
who is mine.

my suffering is His, by my wounds He
is murdered. and somehow in this death,
i rise. (do i believe it? i do.)
after and in this
death, this without

i will
rise.








{ she }