uphill

today i just wish things were simpler.
phone calls returned, motives understood.
suffering borne, demons defeated.

but for now, everything taken,
everything around the corner, hidden.
before my eyes, the struggle is so clear. my heart is trying to adjust its focus,
bring the unknown to clarity and push everything else into the background.
but it's not time. and because of this, i mourn. i cry.
i grieve for the life i thought i was meant to live this year. so much taken,
so much changed. i'm stripped down to only the core, it stings, everything is exposed.

the thing is,
even with all this pain,
i'm finding that i'm proud of what's underneath.
i like myself.
and i like myself enough to finally start believing
that i'm worth being liked by someone else.
really liked. loved, even. adored. told the truth. kept.

from monique l'huillier's LA home

i am beside myself with weariness and pain,
but i am also beside myself on this jagged road,
pointing out landmarks, carving my initials in trees. she was here.
she is here. i am with me, really with me, willfully engaged in life.
no avoidance, no denial, no covering it up.
this, even with all its searing pain and discovery, is worth going through
completely and healthily. i will not deny myself the tearful surprise
of one day realising i am on the other side.

i am on my way.

the pain passes
but the beauty remains
{ renoir }