through the gaps in the blinds, i see the lights
across the way, and i wonder how much longer
across the way, and i wonder how much longer
there are days like today, emotionally wrung-out and whiplashed days. i didn't even know i was fighting a battle inside until things got quiet, i was alone, and it was finally still enough for me to realize my soul is raw with waiting and doubt.
____________
i don't know yet why this has to be.
i'm still fighting the not-knowing.
i know it's completely counterproductive,
but when the enemy is inside
victory is so much harder.
i'm still fighting the not-knowing.
i know it's completely counterproductive,
but when the enemy is inside
victory is so much harder.
____________
she's wandering in the desert
she's in denial
she has her daily bread
she spits it out
even the water now
is not enough
she's in denial
she has her daily bread
she spits it out
even the water now
is not enough
this story is long and i'm stuck in the middle, the part that dies without proper momentum. what is the author doing??? i'm in a forest, i'm drowning at sea, i'm falling at deathly speeds from the highest cliff. i'm not okay. so would someone please write me out of this? i know difficulty forges character, but i'm so laden down with characteristics that come with tragedy and i'm beginning to resent the whole thing. the more pressure that's applied at this juncture, the greater the risk that she's going to spin out and launch into some alternate universe where there's no love and no god and no love.
wait. did i already say that?
____________
tonight i am not enough
and he is not enough
and you are not enough
and it is not enough just to know
...that one day it's going to be okay
...and somewhere there's a perfect plan
...and "it's better to have found out now"
...and "there must be something better"
...and "this means y = mx + b"
no.
no no
no no no.
triangle of no.
tonight, it is not
even close to enough.
5 comments:
dearest she there are highs and lows to this, and i think you are doing fine. better then fine. if its at all comforting to know that you are not alone in feeling this then please do know it. and know that your writing is beautiful and your ability to be brave and share honestly is also a rare and and beautiful thing.
and though it may seen against all odds i really do believe that everything is going to be alright in the end :)
After the breakup of a long relationship in college, I sobbed to a friend "can you imagine me at school without him?" and she answered "yes".
I remember that it stopped me cold.
You impress and inspire me. You are so self aware and you write so compellingly of your feelings. I can't help but think that is a good thing and that you are moving forward even though you feel as if you are mired in place.
...look UP...float...drift high...breathe...
NOTHING is perfect...no plan no man...NOTHING is settled...until you have earned it...the experience...with love...with A.G.E...
you are young...you are...strong...
The writer of your life, though he may seem without words, does not have writer's block.
I promise.
i'm here. just so you know.
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