sometimes i ask myself, so what does survival look like anyway?
life is full of small things: a car insurance payment, a deposit, an overdue library book. and medium things: a new shirt i forgot i had, a fake engagement ring, cold hands, new rhythm. and big things: leaving what is past behind, digging my heels into the ground of now, holding the future as it should be held (not too tightly, not too lightly).
people keep saying have you lost weight? and is that a new outfit? and i guess i can't begrudge their curiosity; i am turning new, i am something else other than what i was, and if i barely know how to articulate the difference, how can i expect anyone else to put her finger on it? in my head i reply, you think this change is on the outside? and i smile to myself. i think my bemused countenance only perplexes them more.
but the world has never understood anyway. i'm moving away from being sad about this fact. very few people can really see. i tend to think i'm so easy to see, but one of my best friends told me this week that she doesn't think i'm an easy person to get to know. i was surprised! we spend hours together every week. but even to her, i am still a mystery.
so there is something untouchable about me even though i feel so accessible and exposed all the time. even to myself, i am still a mystery.
she
3 comments:
Beautifully expressed and so full of honest truth...I especially love "you think this change s on the outside", amazing how our insides can glow through to what the rest of the world sees in us!
one of my very favorite mysteries. you are gorgeous in today's space and all time and space.
sometimes its the mystery of our creator that causes me to boldly love and believe, sometimes its the mystery in my own self that causes me to just move forward, or look back unashamed and know there's a whole lot more I can't see...
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