{ never ready, ever ready }

she is ready || photo by she

for a long time i have felt change growing almost insidiously in the marrow of my bones. this blessed disease has infiltrated almost my entire system now, it's glowing like magic around the circumference of every cell. i can't stop it. i've abandoned any illusion i once had of being in control of what matters most. for the things that truly matter, the things that truly move my matter, are so far out of my grasp, and while every third breath i take is a fight against this fact, the tumultuous current of my blood beating up against the walls of my heart tells me it is a relief.

some things are up to me.

but this is not up to me.

(as bjork would say, it never really was.)

even the title of this photograph is a lie, i am not ready and i will never be ready. i think knowing i'm not ready is the first (big) step to being as ready as i could ever be.

i struggle with the truth that so much must be lost, and only through this loss (at least for me) is the gain found. i want to keep everything. but i cannot, there is not room in my wingspan for everything i was meant for at one time. so to take on the next thing, i lose the last thing. the ache of acknowledging the thoroughly productive and constructive nature of this cycle is ever with me.

but the former things are passing away,
the old self is being shed piece by piece, limb by limb,
and the new will come. the new has come.
oh for the strength of vision to look everything in the eye and say,
i am yours and you are mine.
i belong to this destiny, this light on the water,
i belong to the arrow flying south for winter,
that great indecipherable instinct of i must fly i must go
i belong to the wind, i belong with you,
my whole being belongs to whatever is illuminated, is best,
is next, so take me and run, and don't let me look back.