{ everything and then some }

why would you want to break

a perfectly good heart

{ taylor swift } 

the questions we would ask if only there were time . . .
or if only there were the right time.
but with these kinds of questions, there rarely is,
so throw it to the wind . . .

lately nothing seems to make sense, and while i'm asking myself what else is new? i also feel like it's the right kind of nonsense, the kind of irrationality that leads to the place you're supposed to be, the kind of place you'd never go unless you were made so uncomfortable in what you thought was your safe pasture that there was no choice but to leave...

and even as i say "safe pasture" i realize, there is no safe pasture. some might argue that love is a safe place, and i suppose in some ways, it is. but even love isn't completely safe, for it's all about risk and exposure. perhaps there's a safety for some people in knowing you'll be accepted even once seen. as for me, i think the whole thing is a battlefield, and i don't mean that in the negative way it will come across. it's just that right now "safety" means "complacency" to me, and love is anything but that. love that works, at least.

last night i was so tired that i should've gone to bed, but in the end i found myself driving around town late at night with nowhere really to go. i think i needed to enact on the outside what i've been feeling on the inside for so long but really haven't wanted to acknowledge...that i have nowhere to go. that i don't belong anywhere. that even if i knew where i belonged, i wouldn't have the first idea how to get there.

at some point i turned down a long street of this sleepy town and felt like a one-woman parade...the trees are already lit for Christmas and their branches stood like silent friends curved gently over my passage. i drove slowly then, and imagined that some quiet street in this world is standing ready to receive me. while it's (very) important to me that i find that street eventually, i have to remember that until then there are a million tiny lights hovering over my way, shimmering like an endless avenue of blessing.

she