{ you could miss me }

the hours of my days have been taken by everyone but me lately,
my time is not my own, and while i enjoy a good amount of structure in my life,
it's getting to be too much. the windpipe of my soul is getting too small.

so last night i rebelled against the corporate adult monster and stayed up until 2am watching the australian open. not the wildest thing in the world, but we all have our degrees of daring, so since going out and drinking myself into a stupor would have been foolish as well as expensive, i stayed in. i stayed up. and with the strangely soothing sound of a fuzzy neon ball on hard court in the background, i thought a lot and even wrote a little.

usually when my minutes get stolen i tend to eat minimally and return emails and phone calls sparingly. this time around i think i've had one too many fun-size almond joys (i realized it was becoming a problem the other day when i reached into my makeup bag for a lip gloss and came up with a mini candy bar instead), but the hermitage is consistent.

what can i say? there's a limited amount of personal resources in this one-girl city, and i don't have anyone else to share the day-to-day responsibilities of my tangible and intangible life with. it's just me, handling myself, paying all my own bills, putting gas into my own car, buying and cooking all my own food, and maintaining relationships. i'll admit sometimes i envy people with significant others or husbands who share the responsibilities of everyday life. if i can't show up for something, there isn't a secondary to appear in my stead. and unfortunately lately, the one who keeps getting stood up is me.

so for now, the hermitage continues. i guess being alone in life means i am able to prioritize myself when i need to. this tide will pass like everything else, but for now i'm in the depths just getting by on whatever ray of light may shine through to the shadowy land i'm living in...