{ slow surrender }

leave all this to yesterday

1. { day eighteen || long days }, 2. { day nineteen || one day i'll fly away }

i feel like the animal you have to hold down for hours while it struggles with all its tiny might to escape. but escape isn't even really what the poor creature wants --- it just doesn't want to be under the control of any other force but its own.


my breath runs out with the exertion of this stupid, pointless struggle. i fall, wide-eyed, down the rabbit hole, bruising my shin on an outcropping, gashing my knuckles on a bedpost, a bookshelf. a teacup thuds against my forehead. i close my eyes and shoot like a dark star into the depths.

----------------------

last night i had frosted flakes and ice cream for dinner at 8pm after an 11-hour stint at my front desk station in a dental practice. the fact that i fell asleep as soon as i went to bed goes to show how tired and done i was. it's an occurrence i'd rather not see become routine: scarf a few cups of sugar, collapse, wake up feeling like he was the roller coaster and i was the metal track --- sped-over, set on fire, and then left alone against the sky.

----------------------

i wake up because of the aching in my ribs and the ringing in my ears, like someone screamed into a metal room. everything hurts, everything feels. everything seems so focused and real, but at the same time i know this must be a dream.


i feel insulated and vulnerable. i wonder if i'm alone.
i roll onto my side. i open my eyes.
i sit up.
shakily, slowly, i stand.


an unseen wind moves my tangled hair over my shoulders.
i can smell water and great heights and storms.
i am a little afraid, and take deeper breaths.
i remain standing.