{ here today, ____ tomorrow }

i'm here.

i haven't felt the urge to blog for several weeks. work has been busier, and since i'm without a functional personal computer right now, i don't spend as much time with technology. in this modern age it seems atrocious that i haven't had a working home computer for a few years, doesn't it? i blame my aversion to dropping very large sums of money, my inability to decide which machine i really want, and the rise of the magnificently computer-like smartphone.

but i've been here, and i've been going through a weird phase of figuring out what to disconnect from. the first thing to go was facebook, and i find i'm so much happier now that i'm oblivious of everyone's relationship status, picture-perfect holidays, baby gripes, and need for rides to the airport. don't get me wrong, it's all well and good if you're engaged, making homemade cranberry garland, wondering why your child's vomit is teal-colored, or traveling every other weekend. but the lack of fuel for my internal comparison fires has been so healthy.

in a lot of ways i feel like i've emerged from another layer of the chrysalis --- and i feel strange, just-born, unaccustomed to the world in my fragile new skin. it's an invigorating, curious, and baffling stage of life to be in at my age. at one time long ago i thought i'd be established in the world by now, firmly rooted in domesticity with a husband and at least two children. as it is, i am unmoored. and while i'm afforded all sorts of freedom and flexibility, at times i feel lost, attached to nothing.

i'm finding myself, and sometimes i get tired of searching.
i'm beginning to write again, but it's hard.
for so long i haven't wanted to immortalize my feelings.
now i think i have to write to figure some things out,
but i'm out of practice. and i think --- yes ---
i harbor some fear of what i'll produce if i begin again.
not that it will be bad, but that it will be good
and then i'll have to figure out what to do about that.

i suppose there's nothing to do but start.
i've always felt that's the hardest part.
how do we find our courage? by simply beginning?