{ vector }

too much listening

not enough living

what i want you to do, she said,
is GO.

--------

sometimes this is just how it is, i think in fragments. shredded pieces of consciousness fluttering desperately against a concrete wall, just waiting to be released. some of these breakthroughs are clinging by a thread, wanting so badly to fly, but afraid to leave the cool flatness of something as real as a wall. because once we're unleashed, what the hell is really out there?

--------

you have to push yourself, she said.

you have to forget.

--------

so many melodramatic conversations happen in the car. so much accidental laughter when i think back on something stupid or stupidly brilliant i said or did that nobody else noticed. sometimes we have to notice ourselves, don't we? especially when nobody else does. my oddities are too hilarious to float noiselessly through this world. i am learning to be amused by myself, even inspired, and while it all feels a little narcissistic, since i'm quite solitary i don't feel i'm neglecting anyone by cracking up when i make a particularly creative remark.

#necessarynarcissism #notsorry

--------

i want to be the greatest, but i also want to be the smallest. i want to haunt my own life but i also want all the attention. why do i contain such intolerably polarized paradox? it's confusing. but it's interesting. sometimes i think the most concrete thing about me is that no one knows what to expect. not even me. i want to be known, but i don't want to be in some sort of emotional exchange where i feel like i owe anyone my secrets. i suppose some people would say true love means a person knows every single thing about you and loves you anyway. as time goes on, i'm realizing i think maybe true love means a person can accept me withholding what i need and want to.

perhaps this reveals nothing more than how truly unready and unfit i am for "true love." maybe i'm the most selfish person in the world. or maybe i'm more complex than i ever thought. who knows? i can't see the endpoint right now, so i just have to walk this line as far out as it goes. 

maybe there's no endpoint.

--------

what the hell is really out there?