{ love: yesterday: e. }

i remember how it felt to see you.

i could tell you were looking at me, but i didn't want to look at you. sometimes reciprocating feels so forced to me, and the more customary or simple the action is, the more likely it is i won't fulfill the expectation. so i didn't look. but i saw you.

(at this point i feel the need to say that "you" isn't the you everyone's going to think about when they read this. no, it's not him. and thank god for that! everything isn't about him anymore, it's less and less about us and not-us and that and whateverthefuckhappenedafterthat. no. this is about me and you and you could be anyone. in this case, you is someone in particular. but it's not that someone. it's important that i say this.)

i saw you, and i saw you seeing me. i saw you looking for my eyes, my acknowledgment, and my affection. i almost gave in, but in the end i felt truest to myself not giving any of that to you. (perhaps this means i'm selfish --- i do not know.) i would say i'm self-contained, when i want to be. even when i'm splattering my personality all over the place, it's in a deliberate manner for a specific purpose. i find that most people are easily convinced by what i present to their outermost orbit and quickly assume i'm an outgoing person by nature. (perhaps i am --- i do not know.)

i think you sort of understand this, but you're too young to demand anything too persistently from me, so you blended into the current context without lingering over me, which made me feel relieved. it brings me satisfaction when people seem to receive the signals i expend great energy to relay.

(i prefer to orbit a person before voluntarily interacting with him or her. i like to observe, openly or peripherally, and then collide, gently or abruptly. i've always favored the abrupt collision --- it disarms all the flavorless, indecipherable social output that usually comes with initial contact. i do find, however, that i do not like to be orbited and i do not like to be observed, especially not directly. i also find that i consistently baffle people since i don't subscribe to a lot of normal interactive behavior. it's satisfying and frustrating, both.)

eventually i made eye contact with you, and there wasn't any tension between us. after some of our shared words a week ago i expected to feel exposed, but as i suspected, you are safe. i have no reason to be afraid.

later still, you approached me wordlessly, and because i really wanted to, i embraced you. you pinched my elbow softly and we smiled full-on into each other's faces. that small gesture embodied all that we share, a deep but harmless intimacy, and as i turned from you i felt your eventual absence keenly. so abandoning all my needs for compartments and self-restraint, i spun around and touched your face and laughed.











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writer's note: in the past i've only really written about my experiences with romantic or unrequited love. recently i've come to believe it's important for me to write about all the love i experience in my life: romantic, platonic, madly inconvenient, unexpected, unwarranted, or some mixture of it all. i have felt deep love for and from so many unique sources and it all deserves my attention and remembrance. recently i've felt the lack of a specific instance of love (marriage) in comparison with the majority of humanity i'm surrounded by. in the wake of that, i've received new vision for several loves in my life. i am not bereft; in fact, as the back of my ipod boasts (straight from björk and translated into french), tout est plein d'amour.