{ girlbird }

nude lip, heavy upper lashline, cheekbones

somehow this minimalist face is perfect for today.
imperfections tucked away, but the veil is thin.
if you looked really closely, you'd see it all.

i wonder about a lot of things

i feel like the planet i live on imploded, falling away to thirty million wings of ash. it fucking disappeared. the air has a different molecular structure now. the environment is new, mutated, indecipherable. the ecosystem is reforming inexplicably: soil, bird, blade.

you don't hear me

and i can't hear myself

i have so many questions. it's overwhelming. i told a friend that i feel like the tiniest ship in a vast ocean...i am without wind and without instruments. i have no direction, no impetus. i am unmoored. i am without port, without reason, without a home.

i'm not a line anymore. i'm a stationary point, i radiate in no direction. i have no magnitude. i'm flatlined. i bob aimlessly, listlessly, the only sound an occasional creaking of the mast or the burning rub of rope.

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my solutions to surviving the void before me, so far:
1. stop eating
2. withdraw from the people closest to me, since they can hurt me the most
3. educate myself, intensely
4. fortify the city walls
5. triple the guard

not a very good list, but like i said, i've been set so free that i've no idea what to do with myself. i feel the compulsion to make myself smaller, take up less space, be less visible. i made myself more visible to the wrong people and they told me i made their eyes burn. i don't know how to make them  un-see me. i don't know how to disappear.

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there was once a bird, extraordinarily ugly but painfully brave.
she spread her wings because she could. because it felt like she was born to.
the world groaned and told her to stop.
she felt flagrant, obtrusive, misunderstood. surely there was a habitat for her somewhere,
filled with wild species, magnificent creatures, beings with unusual markings and distinctive behavioral patterns.

but where?
how do you find a place in the world when you're naturally afraid of exploring? how do you find where you belong (or who you belong with) if that place and those people are thousands of miles away? if you've never been there, or met them?

how do you spread your wings again
when you've been told they're horrible and ungainly?

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throw me in the water

don't think about the splash i will create

leave me at the altar

knowing all the things you just escaped

{ daughter }