{ a listless mind }

i'm tired, so tired

this stems from the need to keep moving, which stems from the need not to think so much, which if you think about it, is an exhaustive self-perpetuating cycle that neither rescues nor restores, but the days want what they want and need what they need. my body is dragging and my brain is unusable. my room is a mess and the stack of books i was so thrilled about last week sits untouched.

------------

despite record-low account holdings (i had to laugh when the notification rang through last week, because of course! when it rains, it pours, and on that note, do please pour me another darling), i took myself out for an extravagant dinner this weekend. it was absolutely perfect, and they had a martini with a splash of chambord, so my choice there was easy. i really appreciated the server's expertise and decided to let him know, which led to a complimentary slice of some of the most delicious carrot cake i've ever tasted. moral of the story: sometimes you have to say fuck it to your checking account and live like a queen. why not go down in flames, if you must go down?

------------

you made me crazy

you made me wild

he says as much as he hates being there without me, i shouldn't come back. he says he's proud of me. he says there's been too much sadness. that i should find somewhere new.

he says he can't believe i can stay up this late. i'm glad to surprise him in this way. i'm glad to be this young. i'm glad to be this old.

------------

if you leave

if you leave

i'm not hurt by leaving anymore. that part of me has been struck by lightning so many times, i've lost all sensation. there's a tingling there, a memory of loss, but the nerves are dead.

the loss of sadness, is a loss of its own.