{ i worked hard today }

'cause i was filled with poison

but blessed with beauty and rage

{ lana del rey }

today i brought in about $10,000 for the practice. that includes payments wrangled from patients who were seen in treatment today, collections from account statements, and insurance claims. i've been sitting here thinking about the statement i'm about to make so i can be sure it doesn't attribute anything to me that i didn't earn, and it passed the test:

each and every piece of currency that comes through that place is because of me.

i provide patients with estimates for appointments so they know what to expect. i'm the one they talk to if they have questions about their coverage before proceeding with treatment and i'm the one who "closes" (schedules appointments after treatment is proposed by clinicians). i'm the one who runs their credit cards and tells them who to make checks out to. i'm the one who reconciles any difference after insurance clears. i'm the one who explains the hell out of why you owe an additional $43.17 and parses out how much of that $43.17 is from child #1's fillings and how much of it is from child #2's sealants. i'm the one who codes all procedures correctly, attributes said procedures to the right provider (my office has 12 to choose from) submits xrays electronically, writes narratives (yes, narratives) outlining why there was insufficient remaining dentin and why such-and-such type of restoration was clinically necessary (before you laugh, a single one of these airtight but silly little narratives can bring in up to $2000).

but it's not just the envelopes and the numbers and the percentages and the money.

i also handle all the intangible things: patients' anxiety. their skepticism (does an electric toothbrush really make a difference? the answer is yes). their mistrust. their negative previous experiences. their fear about finances. their embarrassment. their ignorance about insurance. their stress over kids' schedules. their frustrations at work. and lest i give the impression it's all negative --- i also get to laugh with them at quirky pets (or spouses). i listen to their hopes for their children graduating from school, moving away, pursuing careers. i brainstorm ideas and locations for trips. i celebrate new grandchildren and mourn ailing family members and gasp over a 72-year-old's new iphone (i mean, does she really need an iphone? gracious). when i call to confirm appointments, i hear about what's for dinner. i hear toddlers that i knew as infants squealing in the background. i hear the smile in their voices when they recognize me. whether i want it or not, people depend on me. they trust me. i am part of their lives.

//

i don't know why i say all of this. i think today was one of those days when i did a shit ton of good business --- but i also had four solid conversations with patients during which i felt like i was literally wading through all the shit of their lives seeking a feasible, satisfactory solution, and somehow in each one both i and the patient emerged believing we'd arrived at just that.

and when i came home and collapsed in silent darkness (because a day like today really jackhammers the hell out of my normally massive internal glaciers) i wondered how i got to this place: instinctively knowing whether a patient needs to pre-medicate based on her surgical history and the proposed procedures. scrolling through an account screen three miles long and directly addressing convoluted questions from a disgruntled patient (i had her laughing by the end of the conversation). discussing hematological parameters with the husband of a patient who has leukemia. i mean, who am i? and what am i ever going to do with all of this useless information? because i certainly don't want to work a front desk in a medical office for the rest of my years on earth...but damn. i've gotten really good at it.

so what do i do now?

//

i think there's one clear takeaway: despite my opinions about myself (i'm too analytical; too emotionally detached or too attached, depending; too ruthless; too bossy; too overbearing; too intimidating; my face is too wide; my eyes are too small; my arms aren't thin enough; let's not get started on my thighs), i'm extremely skilled with people. i read them; i understand them; i see them. and they respond to me. they comply. they look to me for direction, compassion, authority. and beyond how i function for them in the capacity of my prescribed little job...they like me.

you'd have to know me just about as well as i know myself
to know how strange and shocking that is.

//

i worked hard today. i earned my wage. i surpassed expectations.

(despite what you've read just now, it's actually very difficult for me to receive compliments, and i almost never compliment myself. i see myself too clearly: all my faults and failures. but tonight i'm proud of myself. tonight i'm beginning to see that it's a sign of health and kindness to be able to be proud of a day's work well done.)

so i'm listening to lana's newest (it's as dark, sultry, and naughty as any lana lover could've hoped) with my dior crème de rose sitting prettily on my lips. the rain sounds like thousands of moon-washed pebbles tumbling through the summer air. i hope i sleep well tonight; i hope my dreams feel three years long. may my inner stillness be easily regained --- because tomorrow i rise with the sun to do it all over again.