{ finally }

i was talking with my parents about "best friends" a few days ago. this is terminology i've never truly felt comfortable with (which doesn't make sense since i'm quite a private woman with an extremely small circle of trusted soulmates). but designating one person as my "best friend" has always felt too exclusive, even for me. conversely, assigning that label to three or four (or seven or ten) people detracts from its meaning, in my opinion. not that any of this is worth nailing down, since each person feels and handles her relationships subjectively and it's impossible to strictly define or understand what means what when it comes to classifying relationships.

in any case, i think my aversion to placing the "best friend" crown has a lot to do with how that crown has (or hasn't) been set upon my head in the past. i think some people toss it around too easily. i think due to the complicated nature of female friendship, sometimes i've thought i wore the crown only to realize i don't at all --- or worse, i do wear it, but so do fifteen other people.

now i'm not here to start a debate (or an avalanche of misunderstanding or hurt feelings) about whether the use of the term "best friend" is heartfelt or hurtful, important or useless. i'm here to tell you this:

after asking my parents if they had "best" married-couple friends and exploring their different relationships (of which they have dozens...their social calendar would wither my soul in a matter of days), my mom turned to me. "so who's your best friend?"

and somewhat to my surprise, without hesitation
and as matter-of-factly as you could imagine, i replied,
"myself."

neither of my parents seemed particularly taken aback (something i'm proud of, because i've been making efforts to more straightforwardly articulate my nature to them this past year). i thought i detected a hint of sadness in my mom's reception of my answer --- i think she just wants me to find someone and get married because that's what she did and it's turned out genuinely and thoroughly well for her.

although in the moment my answer came as naturally as breathing, after the fact my heart was beating quickly. i've been waiting for this day, when i'd feel like a whole person without consciously trying to feel like a whole person. i'd say it snuck up on me, but that would be wrong; it's come after years (and years) of...of what?

shit. crap. junk. grief. sorrow. loss. rejection.
joy. wandering. restoration. acceptance. love.

so i'm probably the grossest hypocrite ever: i just labeled myself my own best friend. does it get more exclusive than that? i think not. somehow though, i don't even mind.