i've been following NYFW with moderate interest and here are some of my favorite looks so far:
geometric graphics and texture || alexander wang
bright accessories, braids, and oh, the SHOES || rebecca minkoff
i've also been on a self-imposed quest for --- how do i put this --- fitness. health. wellness. i'm reluctant to admit this publicly because i've always been one of those girls who doesn't watch what she eats and doesn't exercise and, well, doesn't care about stuff like that. i think this used to be a healthy attitude; i was able to consume pretty much what i wanted without suffering any adverse consequences. i didn't overeat, i didn't restrict. i wasn't absolutely sedentary but my life didn't revolve around working out. i simply wasn't concerned.
in college i started to observe that girls i knew --- girls i'd always thought were healthy, vivacious, and unfettered by body image worries were suddenly fixated on food and exercise. they shrank. but the attention paid to them (i'd say by the males on campus, but that would be incorrect; women pay as much attention to the physical appearances of other women as men do) blossomed. and so began my (very internal) journey with body image and health.
for the most part this journey was quite muted, save for a period of time after a difficult break up when i paid way too much attention to my weight (the number itself, not how i looked or felt) and the number of crunches i did every day. i also wrote down every single thing i ate. my diaries from these months are filled with numbers, lists, and pages upon pages of misery, circling, and self-doubt.
five years ago i lost someone, a symbol of affirmation and validation i'd depended upon more than i should have to feel loved and real. thus began my love affair with fashion and personal style (not a body image issue per se, but closely related for obvious reasons). the period of mourning that followed splintered me emotionally and mentally more than it did physically; i starved my soul at dangerous levels for about a year and a half. in the few years that followed this, i delved into internal recovery with everything i had and paid little attention to my body. there wasn't enough energy to tend to everything.
i'd say there was about a year of numbness after that, a deep weariness that settled in my bones that made it difficult to care very much about anything. i'd survived the worst, it seemed, and the last thing i wanted was to throw myself into yet another phase of uphill self-improvement. a few trips west woke me up and renewed my ability to see myself and perceive my needs. three months ago, a late-night conversation with a friend i've had since fifth grade truly shook me awake: i was lagging, apathetic, and unaware. i'd been coasting down from a high, high peak, one i'd spent my soul climbing after having been thrown into an abyss. in the process, among other things, physically i'd reached a point where i was uncomfortable, without confidence, and worst of all, i felt like a stranger in my own skin. i've never been a person who took pride in her body or showed it off, but i've never felt so cumbersome either. something had to change.
in a way, i think behavioral change is easier than turning toward deliberate and intentional awareness of the underlying situation that's causing the behavior in need of changing. that's another post for another night, but what i'm saying is that shifting the habits of my everyday life has probably been the easy part (and i'm by no means where i want to be yet). the harder part has been overcoming what's going on inside. and given how hard i've had to work to change my habits, i suspect i have a great volume of work still ahead of me to shift my inner landscape.
so while i haven't turned into a lulu lemon-hungry, thigh gap-seeking, whole foods-haunting chick who subsists solely on green smoothies, i have made changes. the changes are gradual. but for the past four months i've exercised at least 5 times a week. i track calories. i take measurements. i eat breakfast. i don't have iced coffee 4 times a week. but there's balance. i'm not militant about exercise --- if i miss a day, i don't beat myself up. i had a cheeseburger today because i'd gone 7 days on food i'd made, no takeout! and it felt good (7 days of healthy food AND the cheeseburger, both).
the exercise part is somewhat boring, in my opinion. the more interesting part of all this for me is the food. i'm a total amateur when it comes to eating well, and cooking too. recently i'm enjoying quinoa and baby spinach. frankly i'm at the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding which foods are the best, and how they are best prepared. there's so much information and so many opinions, and a lot of the stuff out there conflicts against itself. it's overwhelming for someone like me who doesn't already know a lot about things like this. this article is one of the simplest, most straightforward pieces i've read on the basics of why to shop organic (no matter what you think of gwyneth). if you have sources that have helped you to think through what you eat, where it comes from, and/or how to prepare it, please share them with me.
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i've said enough for now, and there's much more going on with me than food and exercise. much more, i promise! i'm never going to be a peppy, skinny gymface. that's never going to be my thing, it's just not how i'm wired and id' say one of the main reasons i've stayed away from a health kick is because my brain latches easily onto things like that and ruins them --- i get obsessed, i take it too far, it turns into something unhealthy. so i have to be careful. but i wanted to share this because it is something that's been occupying my time and thoughts lately.
more soon.
she
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