the other night i admitted to some close friends (after a few glasses of sangria) that i have a twitter account. they immediately wanted to know what my handle was. "you tweet?" they squealed (sangria) and looked at me incredulously (annoying - is the fact that i tweet really that shocking?). "yes," i rolled my eyes. "and i'm not telling you where to find me. i don't know if i've written anything about any of you."
i've never been anything but honest.
(the best part is, these friends have known me for so long that a.) they weren't offended, and b.) they didn't press me. they know better than that.)
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pardon me for hating, but i'm irritated that amal clooney has been determined (by barbara walters, so i know, who cares, but barbara walters has encountered her fair share of humanity over the course of her career, so this isn't completely dismissable) the most fascinating person of 2014. not because i'm jealous (since jealousy would require some delusional notion that i could stack up to amal in even the most remote universe). ..no wait, hear me out. seriously.
it irritates me because hasn't amal possessed all the characteristics that make her "fascinating" for quite a few years prior to being connected to a guy who resides in the twisted caste called "celebrity"?
i have no doubt amal is an intelligent, complex, gorgeous, hard-working and interesting person. but what's finally made her truly interesting to the entire world is the fact that she married george fucking clooney.
i feel the same way about benedict cumberbatch's fiancée. yes, it's amazing that she's fluent in thirteen languages and can sing in french and wore a bikini once on vacation, but she was capable of all these things before being relationally linked to benedict. it's quite special that he's found her beautiful and interesting enough to marry, yes, but that fact alone doesn't make her special --- not any more than the other incredible things about her.
i'm sensitive to the concept of being noticed/claimed by a man making a woman more interesting or appealing. i frown when a newlywed or someone who's been married a long time references his/her wedding day as "the best day of my life" or "the day my life really began." i'm judgmental and i think it's lame and pathetic, for one. for two, i haven't been noticed or claimed as of yet, and i fear that makes me uninteresting and repulsive; furthermore, i may not be claimed in marriage in this life and if that's the magical thing that seals a woman's ability to be truly remarkable (even just in the world's eyes, if not my own), my soul is filled with angst at this injustice. it's not fair that the price of admission to a club that any woman would want to gain entry to (The Fascinating Women's Club, to be exact) is not attainable by any means over which i have control.
(ohhhhh, unless i spend much of my time and money on great skincare, ideal cosmetics for my ethnicity/face shape/coloring, a fantastic wardrobe, a healthy lifestyle, constant physical maintenance in order to keep an acceptably trim figure...let's face it, people, most men won't look to my insides if there isn't something eye-catching about my outsides. it's a fact of life, it's how people are oriented, i'm done raging against that machine. but to play into this game, i have to keep my external game on point and i probably won't ever be convinced otherwise. i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't take any effort to be interesting*, but it takes monumental effort to interest people. especially in today's world, especially on a romantic plane.
* meaning, my endearing/irritating quirks come naturally to me. so does my propensity for learning languages, remembering the smallest details, and desire to detect underlying patterns in everything. my unconscious humming (harmony only) to the radio. my polar appreciation for trashy crashy pop and the most delicate preludes. my tendency to stockpile things, my outer detached nature that veils a deep, irreparable sensitivity.)
there are so many aspects to being accepted and seen by today's world and its standards of worth and beauty that can be shrugged off by the individual; i believe most of the time a person can say things like, "i don't weigh 106 pounds but i'm a healthy weight," and "i don't look like lily aldridge but i can accept how i was made." but when it comes to determining whether i'm interesting, i don't feel like i can assuage my insecurities by declaring myself a fascinating individual no matter what anyone else thinks, no matter if some damn male hasn't become preoccupied with noticing and pursuing me. that requires external input.
i hate needing external input.
the external is not safe. it does not understand.
it does not see. it is influenced by too many things.
i'm unable to diminish it with strong inner beliefs.
it is objective, and most importantly,
it is out of my control.
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i'm constantly irritated by the world and also stuck in its vortex. if i read one more headline about taylor swift or see one more photo of her smug lipsticked disney princess face, i will scream (also, i totally bought her album and listen to it regularly). i'm DONE with everything kendall jenner...i mean, ENOUGH, SOCIETY (but i do think she's lovely and beautiful). the wrung-out graphic tshirt/sweatshirt trend? let's move on, shall we?? of course i type this as a pile of luxe casual graphic tops teeters precariously in my laundry pile (and as i try to get the most recent one, that damn wantable "bliss" sweatshirt, out of my head).
at this point i'm overwhelmed by the amount of hypocritical paradox i apparently contain (and not in a good way). i'm also ashamed of presenting so many internal struggles that are probably completely surmountable for a more motivated, less dramatic person with an ESFP personality.
i've come to terms with so many things, internal and external, in the last five years. i still have so far to go toward finding peace with things from the inside and things on the outside. i realized this week during a situation at work that even if my mind is telling me the person whose displeasure i'm facing is being thoroughly illogical and the displeasure is radiating from a hurt place in her (not directed at a faulty place in me), my soul is still bruised every time i think someone might not be pleased with my character or performance. more and more i'm in a place where i can levelly but firmly defend myself in those situations, but inside i still want to cower and retreat...or worse, attack. because when a hurt person is lashing out at me, i have the presence of mind and the perception to destroy, which is the worst option in a professional situation (even if your boss is a narcissistic, emotionally void tyrant).
the hard part of moving forward is knowing what you must come to terms with, and what you must fight not to accept.
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that's more than enough for today. the chaotic ramblings above were hammered out to this album, listened to from start to finish in its entirety. this music reflects everything i feel today, and encourages me to think through everything without fear while lifting my soul to a better place.
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