{ ew / bleck / stop }

i don't know who i think i am, blogging at 10:37pm when i have an early-ass morning comin' at me and a whole lotta week still to address on a limited amount of patience and energy, but here i am and there you are (theoretically) and i don't feel ready to lie down and sleep yet, so.

so.

so, my hands smell like clementines.
or these "citrines" or whatever hybrid fruit is being sold in stores right now.
anyway.

i'm feeling a lot tonight, but (ironically, since this is a blog and technically a form of social media, though i think it could be well established that this particular blog is like the opposite of social media since there's nothing very accessible, virally interesting, or widely appealing about it) mostly i'm feeling like facebook and email and the unfathomable distribution of information through social networks are the absolute worst. even for someone like me who a.) intentionally avoids facebook in the hope of fostering contentment with my own circumstances, b.) barely has the wherewithall to check her personal email or reply to text messages, and c.) could happily go without leaving her house or speaking to another soul for days at a time. even a misanthropic weirdo like me is capable of feeling utterly left out. it's the most discouraging thing.

i get it, life changes, everything has its season, there are dozens of natural fluctuations that occur
that have absolutely nothing to do with how cool you are or how much of an insider you're considered in any given subculture or with how much people like you. and i wish i was one of those people who could observe these natural fluctuations without feeling anything at all except mild interest. but i'm not. when three different people share the same piece of news about a mutual friend and i realize i'm the only one who wasn't informed, it stings. that's just who i am. so partly i need to just get over it (like so many other things in this world that i just can't seem to swallow with the ease and nonchalance of a naturally cool person), and partly i need to come to terms with the fact that this is just who i am. it can be managed. i can learn to carry who i am and things that happen in a balanced way that doesn't over-emphasize or minimize either.

i know this. i do.
and i believe in my own power to do this.
it's just hard work and lifelong work. and sometimes i'm tired,
and it's been a long day, and i remember what happened last year
and how much it hurt, and how much has changed for me that i never wanted,
never could have imagined, and never asked for. and on these sometimes,
being the last one to know feels like never wearing the right outfit
or being picked as the best friend or getting asked to prom.
and that shit hurts.

the end. eff you, monday.