{ it's been awhile and i'm rusty, can you tell? }

sitting here with the boom of yet another "ignition" remix resounding in my ears (might be my favorite yet), high on yoga endorphins, triceps vibrating from the challenge of using heavier weight (progress, slow and steady). i'm endlessly tired, mind buzzing from a text conversation i probably shouldn't have started earlier with someone who, in another life, could fall irretrievably in love with me and never recover. not in a million years.

i just wanna look good for ya

good for ya

oh oh

//

i wasn't really born for this world or this time. the sound of cars being locked, the sound of safety and impenetrability, startles me regularly (i'll just be the jumpy ass girl looking shell-shocked in the parking lot). when i see a debris in the road my heart lurches with stories of trauma, a severed limb left on the asphalt, until i pass it and see it's a piece of cardboard, a broken branch, a forgotten glove.

//

what does it mean to be sexy?

in some ways aren't we all sort of bisexual?

what is sexuality?

//

whatever it is, whatever i've shed and picked up along the way, everything is different. i am less burdened, less obligated, less encumbered. i have days when my thoughts are twisted again, knotted and dense and congested and overgrown. but more and more i am unwinding. i am losing it all and finding precious uncut geode pockets that have never before held light. it's unnerving, how beautiful i am inside, how much is still undiscovered. i'm daunted and curious and i'm being freed. i don't know what to tell you or what to expect. and for now, i'm okay with that. current definition: undefined.

sometimes things

don't come full circle

i used to want everything to come back around. for every loop to be closed gracefully, beautifully, in logical endurable time. now i know that doesn't always happen. waiting for resolution is never endurable, at least for me. sometimes things blow apart without warning and the edges of pain stay sharp and ragged for years, forever. there are things we may never recover from gracefully. i keep falling down abruptly myself --- less and less frequently over the same things, maybe, but it's falling nonetheless, over new things and recent things and ancient things, too. i am a girl who falls. but i'm not a girl who's going to spend the rest of her life trying to smooth down frayed ends of history. 

//