{ first time in a long time }

a friend pointed out to me recently that i haven't posted here in, ahem, quite some time. i replied with something self-deprecating, like "my extensive readership of 2.3 people are probably really struggling to function without my neurotic ramblings." the truth is, sometimes life is so blissfully normal that there's nothing to write about. and sometimes life is so profoundly stressful that there's plenty to write about but no time or energy to do so.

so i'm sitting here at my desk furtively eating strawberries and blogging for the first time in 6 months. that about sums it up.

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maybe everyone feels like this, but i often feel like i'm in a position to comfort and counsel and advise and kick peoples' asses. this sounds like a great position to hold, and it sort of is, but it's also a position that carries a shit ton of weight and responsibility. sometimes i'm totally up to handle it. sometimes i resent it and wonder why everyone who seems to have it all still needs my help to be happy. most of the time i wonder why the hell other people want my opinion about the very important things in their lives. i mean, who am i? what do i know? and why does anyone care what i think?

my korean name translates to "jewel of wisdom."
maybe this is the answer to those questions.

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the thing i have to be careful about is pouring so much of myself into helping other people examine and enjoy and fix their lives that i have nothing left over for myself. that's always been the problem. in a way it makes sense, since it's much easier to see and speak to someone else's life than one's own. i think that's human nature. but it's a part of human nature worth paying attention to and managing. i'm prone to burnout because i want to do the best and please people the most. and, it feels stingy to conserve energy for myself.

because isn't it more noble to be selfless?
to sacrifice my own comfort for the good of another?
to give myself wholeheartedly to lift someone up?

it feels sort of wrong to turn off my phone for the night because i can't take one more text message, one more point of contact, one more need. to make myself unavailable and inaccessible. but i'm realizing i need to cut off access before i'm running on fumes --- not only to cut down on my resentment of people, but because what's the point of giving time to myself if i don't have any resources to draw upon?

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this is why i don't "blog" --- because it's boring.
it's my endless internal processing and doesn't benefit anyone but me.
it's possible that blogging is the epitome of selfishness.
so on second thought, perhaps i should do it more often.

strawberries are done,
patients are due in,
paperwork is waiting.

back to giving my all to the day, though now i think i'll drop a few coins into my pocket and leave them there, not to be spent. they will be saved for the end of the day when all the other voices have died down. they will clink and shine, untouched and extravagant, for me and me alone.