{ evolution }

i'm easily angered lately.
and i think that's a good thing.

for most of my life i just wanted to go with the flow.
actually, i don't think going with the flow is what i wanted.
i just didn't want to surprise or displease anyone.
anger just felt like a negative emotion, something that wouldn't please people or make them like me very much, so i steered clear. but that didn't make my anger disappear, it just buried it, rendered it inarticulated and inarticulate.

this morning i walked into the office and one of my bosses had completely dismantled one of the areas designated for administrative materials, records, and supplies. she says there was dust on the top of the filing cabinets (when the state of the filing cabinets has ever gotten her attention in the past six years, i couldn't recall). so every piece of paper and envelope was on the floor in haphazard stacks. "what is this?" she pointed to a three-ring binder she'd tossed in a corner. "i don't know. i'll just take it to my car if you don't want it in here," i kept my voice as light as possible, but inside i was fuming. "don't freak out," she placated. "it's all good," i threw over my shoulder as i carried shit out to my car. i was tempted to drive away and never come back.

here's the thing: she didn't explicitly ask me to remove the stuff she didn't recognize or understand. i probably should've waited for her to do so. but the truth is, i'd rather just do what i know she wants me to do instead of withstanding her asinine inquiries about what this and that piece of paper pertains to until she wears me down and i do the same thing anyway. i am moving past the point of being the vehicle by which everyone learns to properly express themselves and move through the world. it is exhausting to be that person. i think i've grown to believe i was born to be that person to every other person, and now that people depend on me to be that person for them, i'm realizing i don't want to be that person. and i don't think i was born to be a person i don't want to be.

so i'm taking a step back, removing myself a little, disengaging where i feel i need to. i'm smart, i have laser vision, i know what i need to do and i'm a powerful, powerful being. but that doesn't mean that i do what i know i should every time. this morning, fulfilling someone's inarticulated desire, i hated myself for giving in and allowing my boss to get away with controlling me and exerting what's really a weak power over me, all because i didn't have the resources in that moment to resist, to sit with the discomfort and annoyance of displeasing someone or coming up short of her expectations (expectations she's not mature or present enough to communicate, but i have hypersensitivity to that kind of dysfunctional shit, it's a form of being psychic, or maybe just psychotic...i anticipate the needs of others before they know what they're feeling and step in to meet those needs, which creates an unhealthy dynamic that toooootally serves the other person and toooootally depletes me).

the worst part of this dynamic is that in the end, my boss looks like the easygoing victim and i seem like an aggressive, inflexible blowhard. because she unnecessarily overstepped her bounds (out of stupidity and boredom and a growing sense of her own impotence more than anything) but then told ME "don't freak out," and then i did exactly what she wanted me to in a somewhat clipped manner, i seem like the one who just couldn't handle it. and that ridiculous emotional shove turns my insides molten. especially because she's so shallow she probably doesn't even remember it happened by now...she got her desired outcome (me cleaning the office) and it doesn't matter how.

in the end of course i'd rather be me (self-aware, intelligent, capable of evolving) than her (oblivious, rudimentary, alienated). but damn if it doesn't feel like being a more primitive, less analytical organism would be way easier sometimes.