a mess. everything is a mess.
//
i hate not feeling useful. but i hate feeling used.
to me, "useful" and "used" are not the same thing.
...do you get it?
//
things feel a little too real lately. and other things not real enough.
i've been binge-watching game of thrones. i'm flooded with gratitude when a part of the show shocks me or makes me cry. it feels better to be upset by something so far removed from my own reality. sometimes at the end of an episode i sit in the dark room as tears fall silently down my face. i think i have never felt so alone and i wonder how the loss of one person in the world can make everything feel so different.
//
my patience is so short lately. i don't want to engage with anyone. i don't want to small talk, to joke, to fill space. i just want everyone to leave me alone. (except for the fedex lady who just came in and told me how much she likes my outfits. she can stay.) and at the same time, i want to be in constant contact with everyone. i'm afraid to delete any of my text messages. i deleted a glorious text thread with her a couple weeks before she died. i can't get them back. i will forever regret this. i don't even want to delete the mundane things. my text thread with candace dates back to when kelly was still alive, detailed updates about her health and what had happened recently. i want to hold onto that time, the time before she was gone, before the darkness seemed so near, before there was so much less.
//
i told candace the sadness felt new yesterday, not sharp and sudden and piercing like before, but steady, pressing, like an ache. i feel sluggish with it, warily approaching corners and doors. she and i have been physically absent from one another for four years. i can tell you that the distance feels so different, so much emptier, now that she is truly absent. i don't want to breathe this air, this different-ness. i hold my breath. i breathe. i press my fingers into my eyes. i don't know if i don't want people to see me, or if i can't bear to be awake to this new world where she is not.
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2 comments:
I'm really sorry you lost such a great person in your life. I barely knew Kelly, I barely know you, (only vaguely through the blogsphere...) but I know both of you as great artists, and I think the effects of this loss will be a hard one for time to erase.
I wish I had words - but just sending love. It's been many years since I've read your blog (just kind of stumbled across it again) and knew Kelly distantly, but the pain of her loss has hit me so hard. I hope your relationships with other who held her close give some comfort.
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