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where does this pressure to know all and be all come from? and
where does the forgiveness for being human, being ME, come from?

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ever since kelly died i feel this pressure to have all my relationships in good and right places, always, just in case someone else dies. i want to pre-empt any possible regrets. i'm keeping every single text message no matter how inane, for fear of giving away even the smallest electronic shred of my rapport with someone to some terrible lost limbo.

it's exhausting. i'm exhausted.
i feel so tightly strung i can hardly string three thoughts together without collapsing in a feeble, rambling pool of incoherence.

of course i know why - because it's impossible to maintain 100% perfection in all of my relationships all at once. everything is dynamic. there are too many factors, and the vast majority of them are beyond my control. but i can't keep myself from trying, and i suppose trying isn't bad, but when someone like me tries, i try too hard. it's unavoidable.

what's ultimately infuriating is that all this effort wears me out and wears me thin, and i end up bringing a battered version of myself to my interactions and relationships. i want to say I'M TRYING and i want everyone to understand what i mean by that. i'm trying. i know it doesn't seem like it but i am. just please believe me. i don't know how to do this.

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