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i came here four hours ago to write some really insightful shit about other shit i'm learning. but if it's not obvious i don't know, ONE sentence in, i am so far past the point of being insightful or eloquent or being able to string three thoughts together without swearing (in my head, of course...always only ever in my head). but i would like to say for the record (and let's be honest, WHOSE RECORD, HONEY? REALLY, WHOSE?) that i'm realizing with increasing certainty how important autonomy and emotional independence are to me in others. and you can totally accuse me of being selfish in this regard if you want to, because i guess at its core, it is. i am more comfortable in relationships (platonic, romantic, familial, or otherwise) where the other person/parties are capable of self-soothing without considerable support efforts from me. and it goes beyond someone being able to self-soothe...i want to be surrounded by people who are SECURE. in themselves, and in our relationship, without a constant need for reassurance and repetition. (now this is not to say i'm one of those people who thinks i should be able to say i love you 0.7x/year and have that be enough...there are certainly sentiments that bear repeating, people, i'm not a TOTAL robot.) and to clap back at my inner critic who is calling me a stingy biatch: at this age, shouldn't that be the case anyway?? shouldn't we all be just a liiiiittle self-sufficient? shouldn't we be able to figure out how we're feeling and maybe even what we need to do to constructively manage those feelings? without, or perhaps before, we turn to external things to help us do this?

at this point i'm not even reflecting, i'm just ranting.
but i mean all of it. so.