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last night i went to bed with (mostly unfounded) anxiety about a very specific situation. i went to bed early with the single goal of turning my body off, hoping my mind would follow.

and in the quiet dark
it was louder and brighter
than i could bear

//

i carried this anxiety into my sleep and into my dreams. i had a vivid dream that what i feared became a reality. typically in my dreams something fantastical enough happens that i become aware that i'm dreaming - or i can wake up and know that any lingering impressions are from what i was dreaming. but at 4:04am this morning, i couldn't make those distinctions.

what it all came down to was me vs. an imaginary person i could never beat. at anything. i would never be more talented, desirable, interesting, intelligent, or beautiful than this person. and i was being directly pitted against this person in the most one-sided comparison ever made. it was clear i'd never be chosen, i'd never win, there was no possible way, and i knew it. and i conceded demurely because it was the last shred of dignity i had to wrap around my insufficient, insignificant self.

//

opening myself to certain things in this season
means opening myself to being evaluated and compared
against other things: ideals, other peoples' pasts, other people.
it also means i'm constantly analyzing myself.
sometimes i feel like the person i really can't win against
is the person i think i should be