tuesday night

it wasn't how i wanted to find out, and not surprisingly, i was angry and sad.
i sat there trying to brush it off because i hate always being the one who gets upset.
but you know what? i have a right.

i perched on the couch, holding myself in only the space i needed, not wanting to overflow toward you, seek your warmth like i normally would. i don't need you. you did this to me and i don't need you, either. you inched closer because you knew i was withdrawing and the only way to keep me in the room was to keep hands on me, something.

finally they left, taking far too long, and we were alone.

"can i ask you something?" i didn't waste time. i never waste time.
"yes." you were quiet. i knew you were already sorry.
"when you decide to go somewhere, go out of town, can you try to tell me first so i'm not finding out about it for the first time at the same time as everyone else?"

you looked down at the floor. this had happened twice in the past two days. it left me feeling blindsided, inconsequential. we both know that you leaving and me being left behind are our worst times. you go off and seem to forget about me, and i'm here pacing the floors, almost imagining the phone ringing, i want it that badly.

"yes," you said. you put your head on my shoulder. your arm encircled me. you asked me to stay. and even though it still stung --- even though my organs were humming, shaking, in the anticipation of your long absence --- it was enough.

__________

i know it's stupid, i said.
you were silent.
and maybe another girl wouldn't care, i continued. maybe it wouldn't matter to someone else.
i looked at you. you were silent.
you know what, i take that back, i said with resolve. it probably would matter to her. i'm not that weird.

__________

i am one of the most outspoken, bold, sometimes straightforward-to-the-point-of-being-inconsiderate people i know. and yet still, still sometimes i find it so difficult to be okay with wanting the things that i do.

it is okay to want.
it is good to want.
it is okay to say what i want.
it is good to say what i want.

and you told me this. you said that i shouldn't stifle my desires because then i'm keeping in something that i truly want. even if you can't meet them, it's better to say them out loud than to decide ahead of time whether they will or will not be met. saying what we want out loud to each other is one of the hardest things to do. it puts you out there. it means you're practically giving someone else the chance to disappoint you.

do it anyway.
love is bravery.