i have purchase envy

i fear that being "poor" (put in quotation marks because i am by no means poor by actual standards) is taking a negative toll on my psyche.

(please forgive my spoiled mindset as i complain about not being able to buy everything i want. the truth is, i have everything i need, and that's enough. i am affected by our materialistic culture and i'm not proud of it. but i do think that i crave beauty in many forms, and things --- unnecessary, sometimes frivolous things --- often fulfill that longing in me. i feel ashamed and guilty that i'm occasionally upset about wanting things that i don't need when there are homeless and starving peopel all over the world. the distribution of material goods is vastly uneven on this planet and our love for and care of those less fortunate than us is shameful. that being said, this is my blog and narcissistic by nature . . . if you cannot bear to read on, simply do not . . .)

i have a hard time being happy for people when good things happen sometimes, especially if i'm in a place where it seems i haven't had a good thing happen in awhile. for instance, in the past couple months my boyfriend has been blessed to receive a brand-new iPod, and just this week, a brand-new 4 GB Macbook. i admit i have felt slightly resentful of these possessions he's acquired. for the most part i'm so afraid i'll end up broke that i prohibit myself from buying anything i won't eat or clean with, and that includes CDs, clothes, and most miscellaneous pretty things you could think of.

sometimes i misbehave terribly and end up making some impulse purchase simply because i can't stand not shopping for silly, beautiful things anymore. afterward i feel both stupid for doing it and so thrilled to have done it. i'm a strange creature.

i take a small amount of pride in the fact that when i do indulge (i.e. a $1.99 bud vase from Target to put multicolored buttons in ($1.38 for a bag, also at Target) and use as decoration on my bookshelf or as a centerpiece at dinner cooked for friends), it's usually $10 or less. it's on clearance, having been marked down three times (and eyed by me the whole time). i never thought i could get so much glee out of peeling bright orange clearance stickers off newly bought items.

for instance - i get a weekly Tuesday email with deals, sponsored by Daily Candy. they supply discounts to all sorts of designers and shops - like, read Daily Candy, reap this benefit of 15% off at such-and-such a store. i live for the weeks they link to letterpress companies and a couple weeks ago was my lucky Tuesday. i'll indulge, but only moderately, and only because it's a good sale. am i justifying it? sure. am i harming myself or others? i don't think so.

there's something i really want now and i think i'm going to buy it. clue: sterling silver and my birthstone.