nobody knows the trouble i've seen

i'm overwhelmed with feelings that i don't want to share.
the downside of a "truly public" blog.

truly private - only you, the author, can read it
private - only the people you share it with can read it; usually not people you know in person
public - anyone can read it, http address is not voluntarily shared with people you know, those who read it are mostly people you don't know in person
truly public - people you know in person can read it

i've had a handful of what i would consider majorly dramatic conflicts . . . about my blog(s). and it drives me insane. every dramatic occurrence surrounding my writing has taken place with the same issue at its core: someone i know in person finds my blog. she reads it. she assumes i'm writing about her and does one of two things: confronts me tearfully and accusingly about it, or passive-aggressively lets me know that she's mad about it.

these fiascos, though not frequent, are unpleasant enough to have made me EXTREMELY cautious about who i let read my online journals. it doesn't seem like a big deal in some ways - and if i'm going to put my thoughts on the internet, i suppose i should be prepared for anyone and everyone to access them, as well as their reactions, negative or positive. i think i had more faith in my friends' charitable reading of my journals than i should have.

one friend, a girl dear to me for a very long time, began to take my entries personally. (i had chosen to share the address of my blog with her because she's always encouraged my writing and i wanted her to be able to read it.) she would read them and then write me emails apologizing for having upset me, or ask worriedly if i'd been writing about her. then -- and this was unexpected -- she became very jealous of the people who commented on my entries. she'd call me and rant about them, saying that "they don't know you like i do" and she "didn't want to share" me with anyone. she even went so far as to leave messages asking if i'd "replaced her with my Xanga friends." after several lengthy phone calls, we still didn't see eye to eye. i don't like reassuring my adult friends that we are close and they are unique in my life. it frustrates me and i think it's childish. i eventually blocked her from my site. (coincidentally, this friend also projected into the future, saying that if i ever became famous for my music or writing, she didn't want to share me with fans. OH MY GOSH.)

another girl, a good friend, had been able to read my journal for a long time without going sour on me. but when things started getting disrupted in her own life and thus in our friendship, she became paranoid and started assuming that anything negative i wrote was about her. she checked the site obsessively, sometimes 5 times per day. when she shut down her own site, i was relieved because my privacy settings required readers to have a username. but she started using her sister's username and password, and trouble continued. i knew she was really starting to unravel when one evening her Facebook status read, "_____ is being written about." for a week straight, her Facebook status related to my blog: "_____ is rightfully paranoid," and "_____ is giving up." i couldn't believe it. finally i blocked both her old username and her sister's. though this friend had not replied to any of my phone calls, emails, or letters for weeks, not twenty minutes after i blocked them, i got a one-line email: "any particular rationale behind blocking me and _____ from reading your xanga?" things had reached new levels of stupidity. we were 25 years old and i was not only being made to feel guilty for writing about MY feelings on MY blog, but i was being attacked by someone's Facebook status. never thought i'd see THAT day.

i am no longer friends with that person. our friendship did not end solely because of what happened with my Xanga or her Facebook. but those internet forums were the platforms on which some of the last ridiculous drama was played out in that friendship. (the last straw? i discovered about a week after all of this happened that she had deleted me as a friend on Facebook. that was my cue that our friendship was over.)

to make it a trifecta, i present the last situation: a friend of my MOM'S from church who must have been browsing her kid's internet access stumbled upon my blog via a school blogring. she knew it was mine because of my picture. she not only read my entries, but she linked from my site to some of my commenters' journals. she found what she considered "questionable content and character" on one of these blogs and CALLED MY MOM TO TELL HER ABOUT IT. just one concerned (nosy) mother to another, spreading the epidemic of fear via loss of control. my mom talked to me about it (she refused to tell me who the friend was, probably because she knows i'd go chew her out) and was surprisingly cool about my explanation. it's my journal, people find it, and is there something terribly wrong with corresponding with someone who might have had sex or had a drink??? she agreed that her friend's concerns were stupid (my word) and told me i probably shouldn't have pictures of me on my blog if i didn't want that happening again. i haven't had my face on any of my blogs since that day.

my conclusions based on these situations are as follows:
1.) i make really possessive, insecure friends
2.) i make really immature, psycho friends
3.) the internet is a dangerous place
4.) there is power in the written word
5.) we are all narcissistic and take things too personally too easily
6.) girls cause drama, and girl friendships are high maintenance
7.) i wish life was simpler

as a result, i'm really careful about what i write and who i let read it. i'm a writer -- i don't write for other people (at least not in my journals), i write for me. it sounds selfish, but no, i'm not thinking about how so-and-so is going to feel when she reads what i write. i'm thinking about myself and expressing what i feel. take it or leave it.

a very small number of you (all girls) can access this journal. i don't know how long i'll be able to sustain a "truly public" place like this, but i wanted to give it a try. so thanks for reading, please do so charitably, and as long as no one freaks out, i'll be here, sharing my neurotic thoughts . . .