i'm saying this because the past two days have been positively GORGEOUS in the normally-temperamental Midwest, and i feel i'm missing out on ALL OF IT. admittedly i'm dipping my toe brattily in the pool of self-pity --- i'm grateful for my job and all the things it affords me (and not just materially speaking).
[sidenote: i've never thought very hard about what it would be like not to have a job, or not to be able to find work. i imagine if i had, i wouldn't be so quick to begrudge my employment. the grass is always greener, right? i have a job and i think sometimes i'd rather not; if i didn't have a job, i'd be immensely discouraged and worried. i'm not sure this is an entirely good thing, but i do find value in feeling useful, in working, in accomplishing things. as long as i don't base my worth on what i DO, i think this is okay. we were made to reflect a Creator. we want to make and do and create. it's who we are. and SOME of us feel that more acutely than others. end sidenote.]
yesterday was a HUMDINGER of a day - i told BoyWonder that i simply wasn't mentally prepared for coming back to work. see, we trounced up to MN for a few days and i took 2 days off of work. the trip itself wasn't anything special per se, it was just great to GET AWAY. away away away. someplace different. and what we've come to love about the drive is all the deer we see in the vast fields of Wisconsin. my personal animal sighting highlight was the Belgian horse keeping watch over the entrance to BoyWonder's street --- it was simply standing at the open door of the barn, facing the road, not moving. in the evening light it was a majestic sight to behold.
today the Joint Commission is supposed to arrive (60 days behind schedule, no less) to audit all of our procedures. we've been waiting and preparing for months . . . really it's a bigger deal for the clinical staff, as their practices are examined quite closely. we have potential to be grilled about fire safety, severe thunderstorm warning procedures, hostage situations, and the list goes on. they'll audit some of our charts. generally they cause a fair amount of mental havoc, though their bark is bigger than their bite. but everyone's on edge just waiting, and i'm sick of it. they might not even come today, but it's going to hang like a cloud over us until it happens.
meanwhile it's so nice outside that i'd rather be cleaning my apartment or sitting on the grass doing nothing. driving in my car. blasting the radio. laughing into the wind. i'm missing doing all of these things because i have to be here, anchored to this desk, this fluorescently-lit square footage, this corporate restrictive prison. where i'm monitored every which way, where i'm at the mercy of everyone else's needs.
sometimes i wonder if one day i'll have the privilege of doing something i WANT to do. right now i can tolerate what i do, and some days it's better and i enjoy it and learn something, but i can't say that i wake up excited about going to work. i realize that not many have that privilege, and those who do are extraordinarily gifted somehow either with unusual and profitable talents, or with the attitude to simply love life. i am not gifted with either one of these things, and thus may be sentenced to trudge along by day and dream by night.
this has always been my practice, except when i was in school. once i latched on to the magic of learning, i built massive and complex structures of knowledge by day, intricate mansions of thought and fascination that went on and up for miles. by night i dreamed, wrote, ate, ran, cried, laughed, sang and talked until i was hoarse.
i miss my old self, my old life. at the same time, that's not the life for me now. in hindsight i romanticize everything. in five years, i'll be romanticizing my life now. i'll have forgotten this day on which i was so dissatisfied.
facts about me today:
i like Kristi Yamaguchi.
i like middle temperatures best.
i don't like my body.
color is important to me.
i think growing up is strange and i don't always like it.
i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing.
i am in love.
i've said enough now, maybe too much.
tell me something about you.
3 comments:
as the Phantom Tollbooth would say: "it's much easier to grow down, then your perspective would never change" what a great book. i should read that again.
Except for maybe the Kristi Yamaguchi part, I'm in agreement with your list.
I'm also scared. Of life. Of riding a bike. Of not having enough to live on (comfortably, at least). Of him leaving, me leaving. I think maybe I think too much.
Work is work, but I hope someday you find something you love someone will pay you for. It does happen.
Gabbie. Shame on you. You have obviously never seen the Kristy skate. It's poetry I say.
KJK: You ARE Kristy Y. and where the hell have I been? There are three bazillion new posts on here and I am going to go read everything double time.
XO
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