the beat

i got paper girl
the lamborghini
with the spider seats
you never see me

no jacket, sun blazing, one hand on the wheel. turquoise discs swinging from my ears. heart is heavy, heart is light, and i'm half full, which is better than the emptiness that almost took over. there's still a space for someone i miss, but the hole doesn't yawn as deeply today, and i'm thankful for that.

if you got it girl
then get it poppin'

i use the music to blast at the concrete slab in my heart, to break little pieces off and make it more manageable. i start the process of erosion because i can't have this cold hunk of stone in my chest for the next 14 years, or for the next 14 days. there is a cold gaze sweeping over me all the time, willing me to give in and give up. i feel it creeping up from the ground, collecting in the cartilage at my knees, numbing my thighs, locking my torso. but the warmth in my heart - the smallest flicker of real, true life that still burns there - pushes the ice down, melts my frozen limbs and stalled hope.

i am still alive. the beat of the stereo tells me so.
or maybe that's the strong beat
of my own
heart.

lyrics performed by
t-pain & chris brown