a vision

i will wade out
till my thighs
are steeped
in burning flowers

{ ee cummings, sung by bjork }

photo by laurence

i had to admit it this week: i am at a loss. i have lost, i am lost. i have been lost when i thought i was found, forever. will no one keep me? wasn't i worth fighting for? i am disoriented. i am left alone. i am picked up and passed over, without much thought at all.

and in this pain and blindness i've realized i must receive a vision other than my own with which to see myself. i must receive God's image of me, the one He has given me of His very self. and through this shimmering lens, i am whole, i am worth pursuing, i am beautiful.

you look really pretty today.
i just thought you should know.
{ c.a. }

photo by 10 cent designer

i am tired. tired of making the most of it, tired of being constructive, tired of being the one left behind who still loves. i am always in this place, watching someone's retreating back, wondering what will inhabit the emptiness. crawling through the rubble finding the biggest pieces for a new foundation, heart and fingers raw from scavenging. and as the vultures of fear and doubt circle above me, i pray for peace. i ask for faith. i hope that i won't be classified as a carcass by the horrible creatures calling to each other, calling to me, crying, you're not worth it, just lie down and let us take you. it will be so much easier.

so i fall, and i fall again, the foundation is built where i fall and it looks like nothing. it has no shape, no purpose, no color. the dust is over everything.

but there is a great sound, a great rushing and beating of wings, and i shield my eyes from the blinding cloud of debris swirling tornado-like around me. i think they must have finally taken me, that this is what it feels like to give up and give in. i wonder how i could feel so weightless.

but the ragged ground is still cutting into my knees. i have not been taken.
where am i?
i open my eyes and lift my head.
rocks fall from my hair, my shoulders.

the sky is white, it is covered with birds. the doves have come and driven away the vultures. there are so many of them, they are everywhere i look. the air in this place, once stifled by grief and humid with tears, is replaced with the wind of their flight. it is clear, fresh, and carries the slightest scents of hope, faith, love . . .

photo by lemonskin

what more can i say? if this is a vision of the present or the future, i do not know. i feel the danger when the darkness calls to me, offering numbness, oblivion, and escape. but the call of light is stronger. i am promised joy and peace. this is a different kind if giving in. i surrender my heaviness and take the easy yoke upon me. the wood is smooth and stained the rich color of mercy, streaked with the grain of grace. this is what He is holding out for me.

and so this is
what is.