m'aidez, s'il vous plait

things are cloudy today.

dark swirling storms are taking up my sky and i wish i could bid them a permanent farewell. i don't have an umbrella. i'm not even wearing a coat. i'm unprepared. wait, no . . . i'm already soaking wet. i've been under this turbulence for weeks. even my eyelashes are heavy with rain (or is it tears?). am i running, or standing still?

on days like this i don't know what to do . . . and it's hard to find myself. i'm pinching my wrists to prove that i'm really here. i'm calling out for someone to protect me, but the only person around with the time and investment is me.

(well THAT'S counterproductive.)

then i will heed my own call and step into myself again.
i know how to beat the me that would ruin everything.
can i do it?

i remember when things weren't so hard. when i was happy. it seems like a distant memory today. my first thought when i woke up: __________. and i don't understand it, i hate wanting precisely what i can't have, it isn't fair, it isn't worth crying over anymore. but i can't stop crying but i can't stop living but i can't stop asking. i just can't stop. none of this is making sense.

there aren't even pictures in this post, and there's nothing worth looking at in my corner. it's just me huddled up against the wind, the upward angle is too steep today. i think i'm still breathing but maybe i'm fooling even myself, so i'm gonna give me over to a will stronger than my own and soar on its wide-winged back for awhile. maybe the solace comes from lying down, falling asleep, clinging to that something else and waking up miles from here in a new and distant country.

i am okay
i am flying
i am going to make it