sometimes i read my own writing --- and it makes me cry. there are entries in journals that, when read later, strike to my very core with their grief, surreal clarity, and poetry. i think, did i write that? and it's my handwriting, but the voice seems like a stranger's, like a 52-year-old woman who's lived twice as much life as i have. it's then that i realize i truly have an old soul, and cutting disappointment and loss brings that older self to the front of the stage in my heart. from there, she speaks.
it's hard to listen to her.
she sees herself and puts words to the things that are unseen. she sees others, far from her. she sees life and is puzzled. why? sometimes even why ME? and she both accepts and berates herself for being so narcissistic. she is my biggest fan and my most ruthless critic.
she is me, but i am not her, but i am.
she is who i could, but don't necessarily want to, be.
she is the outcome of so much sadness, learning quickly
from mistakes and distrustful situations.
perhaps she learns too quickly.
once the pain has cemented, it's very hard to trust again.
but trust and love are the foundation of a healthy life.
ah.
now we're to the heart of things.
and now i cannot go any further, or i will cry now,
while writing this, and we all know the tears later
are easier than the tears now. (or are they?) tears
are tears. either way they blur everything, and
then, when wiped away, make everything clear again.
i hate to see you cry
lying there in that position
pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won't all go the way it should,
but i know the heart of life is good.
[john mayer]
lying there in that position
pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no, it won't all go the way it should,
but i know the heart of life is good.
[john mayer]
4 comments:
Ah yes, I can speak to a similar disconnect from all the journal writings. Sometimes I just bitch and bitch about a stupid situation that I find petty now and other times I am absolutely struck to the core with my wisdom and understanding.
I imagine this time is so confusing...this softening after so long of hardening on purpose.
You are a pilar.
oh john mayer. genius. you too ;)
xo
...52 year old tears...are a little drier & saltier...i hear...
Thank you so much for sharing this intimate thought and confession with us. I have to say, re-reading my journal entries from previous years has also been known to make me cry. It's like reading the writing of someone else.
Have a lovely evening*
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