the loss of winter

the sudden onset of true winter (-12 wind chills, blustery sideways snow, and the sound of plows through the night) has put a chill in my marrow. it's the creeping subtle cold of remembered loss, and the numbness spreads from my heart outward. all i want to do is let the ice freeze me over and protect myself from feeling too much . . . but even i know the best life is lived with feeling, sometimes feverishly, eyes bright with tears.

so here i am, scarf draped like an embrace, shaking but not with cold.
could there be more? am i ready? i'm beginning to be convinced that
i will never know. i will never know until the moment it happens.

|| such a beautiful wintry corner ||

i want them to know that i remember them, these lost friends.
that i learned so much from them, their bravery, their weakness.

that i think of them every time the cold comes, and wonder where they are, if they are watching, if they are happy. i am silent for their families left behind. i am different for having known them and bittersweetly glad their struggle is over. this is the down side of oncology. but it's an up side too. isn't everything a down and an up, an end and a beginning?

in loving memory
J.M.
L.J.
R.W.
G.K.
J.S.
J.E.
D.M.
|| just to name a few ||
i miss you all.

and you --- what can i say to you? i'm not sure there is anything
to say. there is only feeling, and that which is unspeakable. i am
not without voice for my feelings, but words seem to have failed
in the worst sense, words have been abandoned for silence. this
is not the brave way. or maybe it is --- maybe the biggest things
must be borne in darkness, under veil, near the center of the earth.
we are being recreated from the inside out. a new body, a new
heaven, a new love. and while this happens despite us, i still want
to say, there is not a moment to lose.

love,
she.