it's all right now.

listening, you aren't listening
i don't know what to say . . .
why don't you turn around at breakneck speed
oh, just to get away

and when you catch your breath . . .
pray i said every word i meant

all right
it's all right now
all right
it's all right

{ OTR }

hi everyone. it's all right. i'm all right now.

a few of my "you read my blog AND you know me in real life" friends expressed gentle concern about me after reading the entry from may 10th. and because they didn't put a phone call in to my mom or stage an intervention, i was able to receive their concern genuinely. this is the first time in a long time someone has read my (public) writing and said, "hey, are you okay, really?" and it made me realize a few things:

1. i'm tired. really tired. it's been a really busy month so far. and as the wheels on this sleek black locomotive keep rotating full speed, it feels like i'm gaining ground from the things that hurt me, but i may just be making circles around them. so i have to figure out whether all this movement is actually benefiting me. if not, something has to change.
2. i'm not completely over it. and i may never be. and the icy fingers of it will clutch my insides from time to time. and that's okay. and it may happen when i'm already exhausted, depleted, and lonely. and i can't control that, but i can recognize my already-susceptible state and be forgiving, be kind, be vulnerable, and ride it out. because it does pass. it always does. that's something i know is true.
3. somehow by the grace of God this space is still somewhere i can write whatever i want (or don't want) to and feel completely free to do (or not do) so. it's good for me. it's helpful. and while that's a healthy thing for me, it sometimes worries my friends. i was joking with one of these friends earlier this week: that this blog is a totally unencumbered outlet is a great thing for me . . . but it's a worrisome thing for everyone else :) and in some ways, maybe even that is okay. which reminds me: a conversation i had last Sunday yielded this challenge: we could all do a lot better at confession and confrontation both. in other words, i need to learn to ask for help --- and i need to learn to ask others if they need help. it's an awfully independent world out there, and i cherish my autonomy as much as the next single empowered woman (which, in this sleepy midwestern suburb, might as well be an endangered species...everyone is married!), but sometimes i need help. period. and it's a blessing to have friends who care.

so those are my thoughts for today . . . they're a little lighter than before, but not better or more beautiful than my heavier, darker thoughts. just different. and as much as i tend to roll my eyes at the vast sweeping statements of Mr. Walt Whitman, one thing he said is really true: i contain multitudes.

thanks Walt,
she.

image:
pins and needles dress
urban outfitters