a page of my mental diary

california girls
we're unforgettable
{ katy perry }

i have been so FREAKING busy. i'm simultaneously sick of and energized by this. it's only human to want to feel useful. working, feeling productive, movement --- these things are addictive.

but somewhere inside i can feel a fissure. we're just not meant to keep up such a speed.

why don't you turn around
at breakneck speed
oh, just to get away
{ otr }

and as things become uncertain, as the fissure widens and acrid smoke pours out, i breathe the toxic fumes and keep on running. i was talking with a friend last night about how we've created a new standard of how much we should be doing --- if we're not a certain level of busy or socially committed, suddenly we're lazy or antisocial. there's something wrong with this.

so when i realize i've been far too busy for far too long, i snap shut like a clam. i've been saying "no" left and right and barely feeling guilty about it. and i refuse to explain myself. if you give someone a reason, it's quite possible he/she will find fault with it, and sometimes i just can't give people that chance. it's not up to anyone to say that me simply not wanting to go out is a silly reason . . . and most people take statements like that too personally anyway.

i'm not like other girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to
{ tori amos }

in the midst of all this internal thrashing, re-evaluating, and scowling at the world, i realize that my closest friends are also going through similarly strange, unpleasant, but also incredibly growth-inducing times in their lives. so even if i choose to spend friday night in my bedroom with one candle lit, i am not alone.

you are not alone
laying in the light
put out the fire in your head
and lay with me tonight
{ patty griffin }