i don't feel like i really have a grip on anything, any
of you, floating out there in the distant universe with
your very own troubles, your husbands, your children,
your houses, your secret thoughts and daily rituals.
i don't feel like there's any room in my mind to remember most things, like [ paying bills charging cell phone setting alarm sending letter cleaning pantry folding laundry making bed finding paper birthdays bad events flight details due dates boundaries forestry unicorns text message 140 characters voicemail different route no more new shoes ] . . .
. . . like everything.
i've spent too long worrying about every leading-up moment and analyzing every post-thing moment that all i want to do is be in this moment. but then [ everything else ] falls away and i enjoy myself but the rest of life is hell because i neglected to remember this or that or the other thing or, well, everything.
balance has never really been my thing. and maybe it's just as well that i'm as imperfect on the outside as i am on the inside. it feels honest. i feel like a mess. but i feel like i really am what i appear, in some ways. i don't think people will ever understand me wholly as i truly am, but i no longer think that's the point of relationship. to be known perfectly is possible in a realm beyond this one. if the people i'm in relationship with are any bit as flawed as i am, i could never expect them to completely understand me.
to see, and to be seen:
i think this is the point of relationship.
and not to compare, but to perceive of oneself with regard to another.
"she is here and i am here."
"here" is two different things to her and me.
but we are both there. we both have a corner of here.
somehow these ideas of mine are nonsensical to the point of being simple. and i think this time it's perfectly all right that they may make sense only to me.
she
3 comments:
RW is going hunting. I'll leave your half of the bed open. And when the night comes and we both crawl under the covers I'll perch on your shoulder, like I do, and talk with the creepy lisp my night guard gives me. You changed Idaho every time you came.
You change me every day.
For the better.
Truth be told: I know we have our own corners. But I want you in mine, or I want to be in yours. Always.
x
several things. or maybe just one thing. or perhaps no thing if i've completely misunderstood you... i think i've come to the point too that i understand that being fully understood is not the point of a relationship, at least not for me, anymore. it was for me in the past, but not anymore. also, balance is not my thing either, my friend just commented on this aspect of my personality tonight. i achieve balance in the extremes, so that, when looked at from far away, and averaged out, it might equal something like balance. but close up and day to day, it is not really that at all.
And CRM and I will roll our eye from the little room whenever a particularly LOUD laugh emits from that gargantuan bed.
But really what I want to say is that I miss your beautiful mess.
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