this morning's soundtrack:
"fallen empires" || snow patrol
this is your time
this is your life
i remember sitting at jillian's table with kelly after our first meal together while candace cleared the dishes...less than two hours and the four of us had already shared wine, passed around the fox hat, and laughed so loudly the silverware clanged on the plates. we were talking about the life we really wanted. sometimes it's hard to define that exactly, no matter how strong your desire for it is. i'm not even sure we even put it into words, but in the quiet between, kelly looked me straight in the eye and said, "so how do we live that life?"
i'm not sure i'm any closer to knowing the answer to that question nearly a year later.
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this isn't everything you are
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i know what really matters to me. i know what brings me calm. not happiness necessarily, but that feeling in all my cells that i am where i need to be. and this whole-soul rightness doesn't seem to have anything to do with what i'm DOING. maybe working in offices for almost a decade has completely detached the synapse in my brain with the potential to connect vocation with fulfillment. but it's not that i feel right when i'm typing, or walking, or singing, or reading. i think my deepest belonging is in place when the intangibles arrange themselves somehow. when i feel a certain way toward all that is happening, good and bad. when i've reached a level of acceptance and stepped into the strength of having decided to stand in the storm with soaking wet hair and upturned hands.
when i feel remembered, and wanted.
when it ceases to be as important to me
whether i am remembered or wanted.
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the beast rolls its eyes, eyes of wonder, eyes of fear. every muscle understands that there's no getting out from under this, but heedless to the realizations of ligaments and the limitations of marrow, the heart fights on. today the heart is made of iron. today the heart has no ears for protest or impossibility. today the heart stands up slowly, glinting in the rising sun.
tomorrow is another lifetime.
but today the heart triumphs.
--- s.r.
2 comments:
Thank you for remembering.
Happiness is so cellular, happening in such subjective and unnameable ways. And can we still be happy, yet also sense that we could be happier or that there is something else, something more? And what if we reach moments of marvelous bliss and suddenly we want no more, until we do. To want more, to strive for evolution of self, of the species, that is WHAT IT IS to be human.
And damn, girl.
You a fine one.
It's funny: reading this I could remember the exact light that fell across the table from the kitchen doorway. And I don't know that I have any more answers, just further experiences to sift through.
I agree with CRM... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN fine.
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