{ walk on }

in these heels?

gladly.

------------

the late warm breezes of eleven, twelve o' clock, stir something in me i forgot was there. i want to forget it, because it hurts to want things lately, and everything seems so far out of my grasp. sometimes i'm motivated by futility, and sometimes it utterly defeats me. i used to be a get-mad-and-get-even-with-life person; perhaps i've mellowed with age, but disappointment seems to send me further into introspection and withdrawal lately. the world seems to revolve and i am rooted in one place, developmentally and domestically stunted. my life is barely a toddler's age compared to my married, housed, jobbed, grad schooled, be-childrened friends. and while everyone tells me to exercise the freedom that so blessedly comes with such an unattached existence, ultimately this advice rings hollow. because who in her right mind would rather be as alone as i am instead of anchored to a life with someone else that has chosen her?

i'm sure this whiny diatribe reads incredibly immature and myopic, but what else do i know? and it's universally true that what everyone else has or doesn't have always appeals more than our own circumstances. but even that perspective doesn't erase the steady hunger today. i am old(er). i'm past the age where women get excited about going out in stilettos for cosmos at crowded bars with friends. perhaps i need to rediscover my youthful, energetic, domestically ambitious inner goddess. or perhaps i was born with an old soul and have never possessed the dogged determination to remain sparkly-eyed no matter how disappointed i am. everything in me is prodding everything else in me, saying, "make the most of this time in your life, change could come at any moment!" somehow i picture this part of my soul as an irritatingly perky blonde petite person with false eyelashes. and she's wearing a romper.

another part of me is quietly saying, don't you know how brilliant you really are, stop wallowing and just be patient. this is the part of me that looks most like myself. not beautiful, but maybe she is brilliant and that's what truly matters to those who truly matter. but as someone who's always been more attractive on the inside, trust me when i say it only gets more difficult to be overlooked by those who have much more to offer on the outside. what i need is someone with the right kind of vision to finally see me. and even now my inner critic says, you only "need" what you let yourself need...and as long as you "need" someone else, you'll never, ever be in a good place to have him, even if he does exist.

since this reads like the pathetic tear-stained journal of a spinster headed for eternal cat lady land, i'm going to stop. all of this is more for my own purge and processing purposes anyway, and it happens to be spilling like raw diamonds onto this white rectangular plate...

------------

if the time has come to abandon everything you've known

to move toward something you can't conceive of

to trust your body in its forward motion despite the reluctance of your mind

to feel the fading light of what was burning on the curve of a shoulder blade

to blink against the gathering breeze of what will be

to shield your heart and shield your eyes

to swallow the unspoken

to sit up in the swells and trust the undertow

to stand at the edge of midnight and morning and decide

to stop and gaze at all the stars

to let the tears run their course

to die, and sleep, and rise again ---

walk on. if you can do it i can

and i'm trusting you all the way.