{ but you're onto me }

i took this picture on tuesday evening, on my way out of one job and into another. it was seven o' clock, the gilded hour, full of the sense of day making its way into the shadowed possibility of night. it's annoying, but i can't stop taking pictures of the summer sky. the reasons for this are cliche, but universal: something about that big blue space makes me feel like greater things are not only possible, but imminent.

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and always, this letting go.
i'm not sure if anyone has ever had to let go of me,
but it seems my lot in life is to let go of others.
i resent this. i resent having to come to terms with things
that were not of my choosing.

at the same time, what i have become because of these lettings-go is a flinty, rare and inimitable shard of a woman. i can take care of myself. i can laugh. even when think i want to give up, i will keep trying. i can make unbelievably closely-timed left-turns at traffic lights and speed away unscathed.

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i am looking for someone.
not someone who will always understand
or always do what i would've wanted him to.
not even someone i'll never have to let go of.
i'm just looking for someone.
i don't even know how to describe him anymore.
all the characteristic wish lists and non-negotiable requirements
have faded away with time and disappointment.

i would like to meet someone who welcomes the thunder of open windows at 55mph. who doesn't have to talk all the time. who can turn a page slowly, who makes good coffee, whose heart beats faster when he hears me sing.

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you hold me without touch

you keep me without chains

{ sara bareilles }