{ this, green, and the other thing }

1. summer green, 2. strange happenings.

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i just made the final payment on this stupid car business. i had a plan to pay it down a bit at a time to make it more manageable, but i felt so impatient about still having something owed every time i checked my online banking. so although it makes my heart jump to flush that much money out of my accounts at once, it does feel good to have it finished and done.

still, it dampens my spirits a bit.

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i'm shamefully bad at staying in touch with people. i'm like a snail. the weather outside my shell seems threatening, so i retract and go into complete autonomous mode.

so while i know i'm at fault for this, i find myself extremely irritated by a certain entity in my life that simply fails to communicate about logistical things on a regular basis. like, is this thing that we've been talking about happening, or not? after a certain number of inquiries, i feel like a nag continuing to ask. but i can't always assume whatever is in question isn't happening just because i don't hear anything.

eventually i simply have to assume, move forward as if said thing is not occurring, and consider it a missed opportunity if at the last minute i receive word that it is happening after all. but one, it's very hard for me to let go, two, it's even harder for me not to know, and three, well, it's just inconsiderate.

things like this are why i snail up. seriously.

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but i am not giving up on humanity.
because that would mean giving up on myself, too.
and i just can't do that.

i'm going to listen to music, loudly, while flipping pancakes.
i'm getting up at 4am tomorrow to catch the sun rising over my great sparkling city.
i'm getting lost at the public library.
i'm driving with the windows down, which also means i'm whirling through the grocery store with messy, messy hair. i just strut through the cereal aisle and pretend i'm a sexy, deliberately tousled woman.

oh! i'm noticing that this song has a banjo part i never heard before.
i'm putting on a dress and i'm eating potato chips.
i'm still standing.

she