speaking for herself

i am too heavy on the seesaw today; every word, every silence sends me crashing to the ground, eyes spilling over, teeth grinding. my bones bear the toll of holding themselves in alignment for fear that someone will see how crooked i really am.

i don't know how to fix any of it except to let time loosen the sinews until every knot dissolves. there is no injection for this condition, only something more drastic that i've never felt ready for. i don't think i was born to ever feel ready for the cold dive, the empty room, the amputation.

avoiding the thing you don't want to face
actually pays it more attention than any other course of action.

i am too tired to keep doing this
and too broken to know any other way.

held together loosely with the scratchy twine of pride
and the invisible straps of will. everything in me strains
for release, for the loss of containment and control, but
i fear for the surrounding cities if these chains came undone.
some days i fear even i will lose breath in the swirling current of what has not been,
what i believe with growing certainty will never come to pass.
maybe giving up and giving in to the relentlessly patient tides
is the strongest thing i could do. just float on my back under
unknown skies, gliding swiftly and silently to the edge of days.

[ s.r. ]