{ scenes from a life }

this morning i went out to warm up the car like a good responsible woman. it took longer than i expected because we got a couple inches of snow overnight. thankfully it was the impossibly perfect kind that fell in powdery curtains off the car but i still cursed under my breath as i swept it away. me? in these boots? outside, scraping off a car? i stalked back to the house to do my makeup while the car ran to warm, only to discover i'd locked myself out. so i stomped back to the running car, turned off the ignition, and stomped back to the house to let myself in. f--cking stupid girl, i muttered. the neighbors must think you're mad.

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we sat in the light from the tree. the couch wasn't comfortable, so i kept standing up, curling the opposite leg underneath me, and re-positioning myself. it's rare for me to feel like i truly fit in a space.

someone crashed home through the front door, interrupting our conversation. i said a few mildly inappropriate things, hoping to deflect and obscure. it worked, and as they continued on the conversational momentum i'd created, i sipped my drink. so easily we navigate through a world that has never fully received or understood us, i thought. they turned to me, waiting, me the social hub and fuel. i accelerated again, their laughter filled the room, and i sat back in silence once more.

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i lie back and close my eyes, the sound of your voice echoing in the silence. i turn on my side, silent and still underneath the blankets. i am my own best company, i whisper. all i need is me. and while none of us is an island and no one can survive completely on her own, being able to accept me as good enough for myself in this moment is a luxury i've long been waiting for. warmth radiates through me and i smile, surrendering to the sacred and solitary dark.