{ kiss and cry }

carolina kostner just skated to "boléro" (performed by the london symphony orchestra --- exquisite). an italian woman has never medaled in the olympics. yuna kim hasn't started yet, but i find myself hoping carolina will win gold. she had devastatingly disappointing performances in her home country (torino) and in vancouver. she came to sochi with a different approach: skate for the love of skating. what a novel idea. living for the love of life. not to win, not for technical merit, not for awards or podiums or history. just, for love.

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i find myself in tears over it all. i find myself in tears often lately. how many valleys and triumphs can the line of one life travel before it's stretched too thinly to keep plunging and rising?

how do i let go of the safety i've known to reach for the abstract idea of a theoretically better version of reality? how do i press into a deep contentment without being complacent? how do i constantly climb toward higher ground without missing small glories along the way?

i have so many questions. i have so many questions,
and no strength today to wait for answers.

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life feels like a disaster lately. i'm a mess. i almost cried at work yesterday, which is ridiculous and unheard of. at my workplace i'm the strong one: the level-headed problem solver, the gracious diffuser of tension, the final authority on technical questions and complicated situations. i can get a patient in for same-day emergency procedures with a few well-placed words to the surgeon's staff. i can sort through the most convoluted insurance runaround without losing my place. i can get an unexpectedly additional $483 out of a patient who also happens to be an attorney, who requires airtight, concise summaries of fees for services rendered against insurance reimbursement and prior payments processed.

i know the ICD-9 code for breast cancer (174.9) and polycythemia vera (238.4). i know the ADA code for a therapeutic pulpotomy (D03220). i know the lab fee for a unilateral space maintainer ($127). i know the protocols for 5-FU/leucovorin treatment. i know the delta dental in-network write-off for adult prophylaxis ($17) and periodic oral exam ($11).

i like to think i wear my knowledge firmly and gracefully. i can translate clinical knowledge into more personable terms and evoke further understanding and agreement from patients. i am competent and trustworthy.

useless, all useless.

knowing obscure medical codes doesn't make me a good person, or a kind person, or a worthy person. finding a way to help people commit to paying thousands of dollars for treatment doesn't make me a creative person. i don't leave a bright mark on the world when i submit a claim correctly for optimal reimbursement or provide an anal-retentive individual with perfectly rendered financial records.

this is how i make my living.
but this isn't why i live.

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i spend upward of 40 hours a week executing mastery of shit that doesn't. really. matter.

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so what do i really want?

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. . .


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the question is too heavy tonight.
i could answer, but i'm not sure i'd trust myself.

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yuna kim is skating brilliantly, the last woman to take the ice. it will come down to GOE (grade of execution) points.

carolina kostner is certain to medal now. likely she will take bronze.
i hope she is proud of herself. i hope she is breathlessly happy.
i hope in some way she knows
how beautiful she is.