{ toward being undone }

i stay up until 2am

i read the letters you wrote me in 2005

i toast some bread

i remember the light in your eyes,

back then

. . . still, i'm searching for something. . .

this morning i watched a makeup tutorial on youtube.
benefit porefessional
revlon colorstay
anastasia brow wiz
lorac pro palette
rimmel lash accelerator
mac msf
dose of colors

then i read stories of women in ukraine.

I heard and saw people shooting in my yard.  When the bombs explode, my windows shake like hell. I see smoke and fire from my terrace. And right now I hear the protesters sing.

And when I am home, smoking on my balcony, I think: Ukraine, we are an extremely kind and tolerant nation, but as it turned out, its better not to make us angry. We, ourselves, could never have imagined that we have such strength. We are ready to fight and to die for the basic human values: freedom, justice, and our dignity. We surprised ourselves, but the most important thing is that we are finally proud of ourselves, proud of the Ukrainian people and of our country. Now we believe in our own strength.

[W]e women of Kyiv forgot about shopping, restaurants, fashion shows, and club life. We took off our high heels, and wore helmets to protect our heads from bullets. The beautiful young faces are covered with respirators and gauze bandages. We turned into a kind of civil female front. Our hair smells of smoke and fumes ingrained in our fingers.  It's probably ugly, not fashionable, or trendy. But we never felt more confident. And, as you know, when you feel confident – you are beautiful.

only in this hyper-connected, overly weird world could a person access such triviality and gravity so easily --- almost simultaneously. it's not that beauty itself is trivial --- it's that beauty can have meaning in so many areas of life: in a perfectly styled, artificially lit bedroom. on the battered front of international conflict. our ability to access both within minutes of each other is both amazing and disorienting.

i hardly know how to navigate the disparities of the world (refuse to buy any more makeup, ever? refuse to read the news?). i spent all afternoon and evening yesterday preparing meals for the coming week in a warm, well-equipped kitchen. then i spent an hour deep-cleaning my makeup brushes. when you consider what's going on in the world, what right did i have to spend my time so uselessly?

my world right now is coming down. all the constructs, all the pillars of truth.
i have more questions than ever, and definitely more questions than answers.
i'm not just asking out of curiosity, to inquire. i'm asking because i don't know.
every wall that crumbles reveals a new wing of rooms and corridors,
windowpanes shattered, doors blown out of their frames.
i'm starting over. i don't think i'm in a hurry, though.

see, all this time i thought i was speeding toward a good and finished life.
but as it turns out, a good life is a brilliant, untimed trajectory toward being more and more undone.